confession

I was at this REALLY great bible study last night. I just haven't been in a room with that much wisdom for a long time. Well maybe I have...sorry peeps...I guess I just haven't been in a room with that much wisdom when the only purpose was to talk about Jesus and the bible. If you live in Cincy or Dayton and want to come hang out - it'd be great. Tuesday nights 7pm.
Anyways...
I was struggling with whether or not I wanted to go because I get shy or something in places that I dont know a ton of people. Well, maybe Im not shy, but I feel shy - if that makes ANY sense. But I wasn't feeling like being the outwardly spoken person and risking feeling weird because I was appearing somewhere by myself (which I hate) but i went. I forced myself off the couch and went...was late...but went :)
I need to give some mad props to Kevin Jamison and if you dont know him, you need to get to know him because he is WONDERFUL. i just love the way that he loves the word and how he just explains it and leads discussion in such a way that my head spins when I leave. And what's awesome is that we looked at 2 verses. There is so much jam packed in scripture that we spent 1 hour on 2 verses and I haven't been as excited about scripture then I was last night in a long time.

So here's the confession. I've found myself pretty good at playing the game - you might tell me Im not good at playing the game and you've known for awhile that I dont know what Im talking about - but I feel lik I have figured out what to say and how to say it. Last night I was trying to think of something to say that was SO awesome that everyone in the room would be like, "wow, jana's awesome." I HATE that I was like that. I sat there fighting with myself about how its dumb that I need to sound spiritual. That I need to sound like I have it all together. I dont have it all together. Not at all actually. And everyone probably knows that. I hate that I feel like I need to prove myself all the time. I used to get really nervous in YL because of doing seminars and crap like that. I dont think it was because I didn't like talking in front of large groups - Im totally fine with that. I think I used to get so nervous because I was so afraid of being found out. Someone was going to see that I didn't really know what I was talking about. That was what I thought about the most. That is what I still think about the most. I just want to be real and stop finding that so much of who I am is wrapped up into what people think about me. Its ridiculous and its such a tiresome game.
God's got much bigger things for me to be a part of and its just dumb that I spend so much time and energy trying to think of the right things to say and do. So you all now have permission to hold me accountable to being real - to not be so caught up in what everyone else says of thinks...its just so tiresome.

ABC, 123

so tomorrow (Tuesday) is my FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!
I mean, seriously?

So starting tomorrow at 843am I am in charge of 20 seven and eight year olds and their education...
I get to teach them to read, write, love people and do some math. I get to love these little guys and girls so much and feel the stress that comes with all their baggage they bring to room 113.

I got to meet some of the kiddies tonight at Open House and it was AweSOOOME (annie and sarah can you hear it??) I love them already. I just want to take them all home with me. And I did learn that they can do more than read cat, bat and hat. They actually can read a lot and they actually know how to add and stuff. I didn't really know these things before. Is that bad?

So think of me throughout your day as you are working on your computer, talking to over 18 year olds, sitting in business meetings, working on houses, teaching college kids, feeding a 2 month old - cause I'll be cutting out paper hands and writing acrostic poems and reading Charlotte's Web and The Giving Tree. Just pray that I don't cry or something on the first day. I wish my mom was here so she could take my picture and pack my lunch.

Sometimes you just don't ever want to grow up...guess you have to sometimes - or at least act like you have

relearning

So Im in a bit of a dilemma. I feel like I am at this weird cross roads in my life and Im not sure what to do. Ever since I've been a Christian, Young Life has been a HUGE part of me. I love it. I love everything about it. But one of the reasons why I moved is because I dont' know my faith outside of it. I don't know ministry outside of it.

For the past 8 years I have been "giving my life away" to high school students. I know how to do it. You go to their junk, love them, talk about real things, hopefully get to talk to them about Jesus and I feel pretty good about myself. I love high school kids and I love talking to them about life. I know how to give club talks, I know how to run bible studies, I know how to recruit leaders, I know how to talk to donors. I know all of that like that back of my hand and it got too comfortable.

Now I am longing for that comfort again. I forget that life is different apart from a set ministry. "Giving my life away" doesn't necessarily mean going to 133 games in a week or planning 34 bible studies. Ministry isn't just handed to me. It's harder for me to let people know I love Jesus because I'm not wearing the Young Life hat - Im wearing the teacher hat, or the new girl hat, or the friend of a friend. It's not as easy for me to bring up spiritual stuff because people aren't expecting it all the time. Which I kind of love, but also am not really sure what to do.

I also have noticed a pretty big change in my own relationship with Jesus. I have ALWAYS sucked at spending significant time reading my bible, setting time aside, etc. But in Young Life I was forced to because of Campaigners, club talks, small groups, etc. I miss it. I miss the constant motivation to learn something new or to just get in the word daily or to just rest.

Maybe my motivation was whacked out before. Probably. Maybe Im not really sure I understand what it means to fully love Jesus. Probably on that too. But I want to long to spend time with Jesus the way I felt tonight. I want to long to share my life with people and somehow get to a point where we talk about spiritual things. I want to love people differently so they wonder why and just for the sake of loving them. I want to know what the CRAP it means to love Jesus and to love people outside of a set ministry. Its a lot harder than I thought and Im nervous that Im going to have to deal with some other crap in my life in the midst of figuring it out.

Why can't life just be easy and why can't I go to heaven right this sec.

new obsession

Im obsessed with garage saleing. What better way than waking up at 7am, looking through people's old junk, trying to find children's books, games and a rocking chair? I love going through their CRAP and finding my TREASURES.

I wish I did this better with people. I just see or hear about the junk and stay there. I dont try and figure out how they can be treasured. Why am I like that? My prayer is that God opens my eyes to the treasures...because there are so many out there...

i love this little girl

This girl is one of my favorite kids on the planet - how could you not LOVE her!

download this song

Go download Drifting, by Bebo Norman. I don't love him all the time, but it might be the best song ever.
Definitely song of the week :)

fight or flight

Relationships.
One of my favorite things to talk about is relationships. One of my passions is relationships - every single kind. The thing I probably think about the most is relationships. My relationships with other people, whether they are plutonic or romantic, my relationship with Jesus, high school student's relationships with Jesus, my friends' relationships with each other, marriages, friendships, parents and children, you know, any kind of relationship that you can have. I think that's why Grey's Anatomy is my fave show because it is based on relationships - and all different kinds of them.
Here's my questions... When do you stay and fight for a relationship and when do you let some of them die? Is it ok to let some relationships fade out or should you try and fight for and ultimately save every relationship you've had in your life? Which ones are the most important? How do you determine this stuff? When you're just dating someone and not married, how do you know whether to fight for the relationship to work or end the relationship completely. Outside of a marriage relationship, there is no actual commitment. So how do we honor this unspoken commitment that happens between friends?

really important questions

1. Why is Growing Pains not on primetime tv?
2. Why is The Office and Grey's on at the same time on the same night?
3. Why is God so good and we suck so bad?
4. Why does Stef live so far away?
5. Why do people buy jeans that are already ripped?
6. Why do you get paid a month after you start working?
7. Why did I just spend 4 hours chanting phonograms and letters in my Phonics Dance class?
8. Why was I the only one laughing uncontrollably during Phonics Dance?
9. Why are my friends so great?
10. Why are the Murphy kids the cutest?
11. What is katie muhl's live journal address?
12. Why isn't my new cell phone here yet?
13. Can I hang out with any more fun people this weekend?
14. Why is Tab the best pop on the planet?
15. Why do weirdos say soda and not pop?
16. Why are the Steelers so good?
17. Why can't people just be nice all the time?
18. Why can't I love people all the time?
19. Why is coffee so good?
20. Why is Graeter's mint chocolate chip and cookies in cream, maybe the best thing I have ever eaten?
21. Why does it taste better when I eat it with Annie?
22. Why am I wasting time doing this?

emotions

I've been thinking about emotions a ton the last few weeks. Primarily because my whole life just changed and I've been trying to evaluate my feelings/emotions throughout the whole process. Here's what I've concluded - I suck at understanding how I am feeling. I think I'm pretty great at understanding what other people are feeling - a lot of times I will be so empathetic that I swear that I am able to feel exactly what the other person is feeling. Maybe not, but pretty close.
I might the most laid back person on the planet (well second to my brother), but some might describe me as emotionally intense. I would say that is somewhat of a fair statement because I am very easily excited and have been known to cry when I think about hanging out with mine and annie's favorite people and I have definitely cried over a surprise of chocolate covered strawberries because I am so excited. I laugh at everything and I cry at everything. Normally those can mean the same thing and the same emotion might envoke both of them. I cry at every movie, I cry when I hear a heartwrenching story about someone I dont even know, I cry when I hold babies and I used to laugh uncontrolably when I got in trouble at school. So yes, emotionally intense, I guess so. But, I've been trying to gage my emotions during this move and I can't. I have no idea how I am feeling. I guess Im excited - Ive got lots tobe excited about. Im pretty scared - there's a lot of new and unknown. Im pretty happy - there are so many fun people that I get to meet and that I already know. Im pretty sad - I left so many people and relationships that I cherish. But the weird thing is that the last few days I've been telling myself how to feel because I feel so numb. I just don't feel anything.

I think the bottom line that I am trying to get at is that I don't trust my emotions. They overtake me and I can't have any control of them. I can't control bursting with excitement thinking about going to a baseball game, and I can't control not crying when I look at pictures on my fridge. I can't even control feeling something.

So here's my point. Im so glad that my relationship with Jesus isn't based on how I feel. For so long its been based on how I'm feeling in the relationship. Do I feel good? Do I feel close to God? All emotion. All no control. All crap. I LOVE that Jesus loves me in spite of me. I love that my relationship with him isn't based on me. Its based on the attributes of Jesus and who he is. Not who I feel like he is, not who I feel like I am, not anything but who he says he is. One of my friends wrote this in an email that's kind of stuck with me "The certainty that comes with the knowledge that God’s love for me and my status in His Kingdom is independent of my faithfulness, and that no matter how dark things get and no matter how far I feel from Christ, God’s purpose is to preserve me and to keep me..."

I love that. I love the way Jesus is. Thanks that its not dependent on me and my jacked up emotions.

seriously?

I live in Cincinnati. I am a second grade teacher.
What just happened?

why I love ToonaTown

So Im leaving. In less than 6 hours. This is just craziness!

Here's my top ten for the AMAZING Altoona, PA

10. The new mall they built (that I thought was going to be here the day I moved in, three years ago, but the first store is opening today. Classic)

9. The McDowell's pad, the Knickerbocker apt., and the Dodson mansion - the best places a girl could live

8. Tim's All American Cafe, Michael's Cafe, Lena's Cafe, Knickerbocker Tavern (especially the outdoor patio), Mama Randazzo's Pizzeria - the BEST places I've ever eaten

7. The Altoona Curve baseball team - the funnest bball games ever because you see 299 people that you know and they are pretty good! Sometimes they even have fireworks!

6. The fact that even though I have lived here for three years and put over 50000 miles on one car and 20000 on another and I STILL don't know my way around town is ridic! I also love the gargantuan hills that overtake my poor little car in the winter!

5. Sheetz. Sheetz has the BEST Shmuffins, Liquid Z energy drink and really great coffee. I am obsessed and will miss my daily stop at one of the super sheetz. You must experience the sheetz.

4. Young Life. The best job on the planet. I got paid to talk to people, love them, and share Jesus with them - sometimes verbally and sometimes nonverbally. My boss is amazing and my gifts are used so well. How fun is that?

3. AAHS students and HAHS students - I am in love with the high school students at these schools - they will forever be prayed for, loved and cherished. I love my faves from the schools too - you guys know who you are :)

2. The amazing relationships I have built with so many wonderful people. I can't even begin to name them because they all hold such a huge place in my heart

1. The journey Jesus and I have been on for the last three years. What I have learned about myself and God in my time here is just unreal. I feel like I grew up a little bit and I have a somewhat better understanding of who I am and who he is.

devil

Credit cards are the devil. And the people that work at credit card places are his little apprentices. Why does money suck so bad? Or maybe, why do I suck so bad with money?

stages of grief

So I am currently coming out of the denial stage.

The strangest thing I have experienced in a long time is the fact that I have not been crying all week. If you know me even like a little, you know I cry at everything. EVERYTHING. Its sort of ridiculous. And all week, I've had breakfast, lunch, dinner or some sort of going away thing for me with some amazing people that I have loved, invested in or was fed by for the past three years. And I haven't cried. In fact, I haven't really been close to crying. I thought something was wrong with me - Im broken or something - I am numb to any kind of emotion.
But I currently have noticed that I am going through stages of grief - Im not broken - in that way atleast

The past three days I have been in the denial stage - not caring because I'm not actually doing this - Im not diving into some weird new place, job, friendship, community...
When I said bye to my boss/bffae/friend tonight I came out of that stage very quickly. Now I can't go back and I might have a slight freakout here pretty soon.

I guess there's something in this that I can learn about me. I guess there's something in this that I can learn about Jesus...Im not quite sure because of how much my head is spinning -
I just REALLY want the resolution stage to come pretty quickly. Want to help me out with that?

100 things that I love for my 100th post :)

1. I love all my friends and all the people who have influenced my life and don't even know it.

2. I love loving people. I love when I see someone's day get better because they feel loved.

3. I love holding babies. I love when they fall asleep in my arms and even though my arms fall asleep, you just don't want to let go.

4. I love starbucks coffee. Venti nonfat sugar free vanilla latte with whipped cream - there is nothing better.

5. I love old people. I love imagining their stories and thinking about what they've experienced and what they've been through.

6. I love airports because there are so many stories there. Business, honeymoons, vacations, family. There is so much emotion because you're coming or going - maybe for a long time or maybe for a week, but there is some STORY that is in all these people.

7. I love reading books on the beach. I love "summer beach books" - the kind that you read in a day because they are so ridiculously consuming.

8. I love great conversation. I love talking about life and hearing about other people's stories.

9. I love that my job the last three years has been great because I get paid to have great conversations.

10. I love high school students. They are real and raw and honest and they love Kelly Clarkson. I love what I learn from them and I love seeing their hearts trust someone other than themselves.

11. I love pizza. I especially love Pizza King Pizza with the Witherby's and Donatos Pizza with Stef and Katy and Sam's Club pizza with Annie.

12. I love talking to Sean and Annie. I love that Sean makes fun of me and I laugh more than anyone else and I love when Annie challenges me to love Jesus more. All this while I get to hang out with their kids.

13. I love The Office. I love Jim. I will marry him some day.

14. I love sitting on a porch during a thunderstorm, drinking a glass of wine and reflecting on life.

15. I love fun emails from people that have more depth than a schedule of what's going on.

16. I love going to an Altoona Curve baseball game and seeing over 30 people that I know at every game and loving that I live in small town and we know everyone.

17. I also love going to an Indian's game with my parents and bro and being able to just watch baseball and not be overstimulated by the amount of faces I know.

18. I love my brother and I wish he would live with me.

19. I love the Steelers and I REALLY want to go to the Steelers/Bengals game on New Years Eve - anyone in?

20. I love staying up until 2:45am catching up with an old friend and realizing how much I thirst for real face to face fellowship.

21. I love listening to the same song over and over again. Stef calls it my song of the week, but there are just songs that I don't get sick of.

22. I love my parents. They are my biggest fans and I know will back me up until the day they die - no matter what.

23. I love Lost. I love the weirdness of it and the way that I can't wait to watch it the next week. I love Jack. I will marry him too.

24. I love Growing Pains.

25. I love that I thought I would marry Zack Morris or Mike Seaver for years of my life.

26. I love movies. I love seeing movies in the movie theatre and crying at every one and sharing Diet Coke with Kels.

27. I love dogs and the way that they always love you and are happy to see you.

28. I love meeting people and immediately calming their fears of any bit of awkwardness.

29. I love reading people's thoughts on life, love and politics.

30. I love sitting around a table and discussing people's thought on life, love and politics.

31. I love playing volleyball and I liked it better when I was good.

32. I love laughing so much that I get an ab workout.

33. I love meeting new people and finding out their life story in 4 seconds.

34. I love feeling like Im good friends with people after our first encounter - may be a bit strange, but I love it.

35. I love shopping - I just wish I had unlimited funds because I could shop all day everyday.

36. I love getting pedicures and manicures - especially with Annie and Katy or when my mom comes and pays

37. I love the extreme thoughts that Mike and Steve have and that they talk and offer each other good opinions and thoughts

38. I love driving cars that are stick shift.

39. I love hanging out with Chell and Bella.

40. I love that right when I move Altoona gets a new shopping center and two new YL staff guys - go figure

41. I love new music and feeling life I found an undiscovered treasure.

42. I love my ipod.

43. I love feeling like I got a deal and I just saved money.

44. I love asking everyone's opinion about nothing.

45. I love that I have 55 more things to go and I suck at this.

46. I love that maybe 2 of you (stef and annie) will have read all of this :)

47. I love that I can tell Stef when she ticks me off and when I just love her. I hope that everyone has a friendship that's as real as ours

48. I love how Annie challenges me in so much stuff

49. I love how Alissa knows my heart and soul and might understand my weird idiosyncrises better than anyone

50. I love knowing that the friends I have now will be my friends until we die

51. I love all the fun new friends I have made via blog or email

52. I love listening to someone talk who was such a passion for Jesus and the word that I can't wait to go home and read my bible

53. I love that one of my best friends Jill, just got married to a guy that is absolutely PERFECT for her

54. I love that I have been taught and led by Sean MM

55. I love that Tim and YL have paid for my cell phone and wireless internet the past three years - I will miss him and those expenses ;)

56. I love that Tim doesn't get mad about me going over my cell minutes every month

57. I love that I get to live 2 seconds away from KateB

58. I love songs that just resonate with your heart and you feel like they wrote the song for you

59. I love the song Far Away by Nickelback

60. I love that Katie Muhl and Kels Muhl introduced me to some amazing music

61. I love how so many people have differing views and therefore cause me to really think through what I believe and why

62. I love that in college Stef dropped my tv and it exploded

63. I love that I got her back by spilling bleach in the closet

64. I love that I got to live with her for 4 great years and that she was so close for the last three that I got to see her all the time

65. I love that Wes calls himself Homer Stokes

66. I love vanilla yogurt with fruit

67. I love diet coke

68. I really love diet mountain dew

69. I love birthdays - they are so fun to celebrate!

70. I love Thanksgiving - its definitely the best holiday

71. I love Altoona

72. I love Oxford

73. I love family because they will love you forever and ever and you can be so mean to them and they still love you

74. I love friends that are like family.

75. I love thinking about heaven and that Jill does too and how one night I thought she was trying to kill me so that we could go there...I love that I wouldn't mind being in heaven now either.

76. I love that on 9/11 I thought the rapture happened and I was "left behind" until I saw Jill Wit - now Jill MINKE!

77. I love plants. I love the way that they brighten up a room and make your house feel more homey.

78. I love Java Blue print of Vera Bradley. I actually just love Vera Bradley.

79. I love looking at Christmas lights and the feeling you get around Christmas time. Its just fun for me to go to the mall and watch the kids with Santa, go to church and remember how much God loves me and to be with my amazing family

80. I love that I have talked on the phone with Annie like 78 times a day this weekend

81. I love when songs that aren't about Jesus at all make me fall in love with him more.

82. I love when dogs sleep and they dream and make funny noises.

83. I love really great dreams that you wish were real in real life

84. I love that I've got to hang out with some of my favorite people this week - sadness that I am saying bye to them, but SO fun to see them

85. I love that high school kids were trying to get me to drink with them tonight...seriously? I love that we got to talk about some cool stuff in the midst of that.

86. I love that Tim hired some pretty great guys to love these high school kids really well.

87. I love my family

88. I love that my life is pretty great - actually its really great. There is so much good

89. I love new things. I love that everything in my apartment is brand new...am I a brat?

90. I love you for reading my randomness

91. I love books that make you think about Jesus without knowing it - like Number the Stars, Tuesdays with Morrie

92. I love when someone brings a totally random shift on my thoughts and thoroughly makes me think outside the box

93. I love that a high school kid prayed for me tonight

94. I love that my job has been so freaking amazing for the last three years. and I love that I will love my new job for awhile too.

95. I love earrings. I love really big ones that are fun to wear. I also love makeup and getting dressed up...its really fun

96. I love football, volleyball, baseball/softball, swimming, soccer, running, basketball, basically any sport minus wrestling (its weird to me that Annie is obsessed) and water polo

97. I love watching kids play outside in the neighborhood

98. I love that my brother said he was living with me at the end of September if he doesn't find a job in Cleveland

99. I love real friendships where I can get mad and tell them and I know still will love me

100. I love the way that Jesus loves me and the experiences he has allowed me to have that shape me to be more like him.

toys r us theme song

I kind of hate being an adult. It definitely has its perks...
No one is telling you what to wear, what to eat, what time to come home, what not to do.
But there also isn't someone there to bail you out, tell you what to do, and to take care of you when you are sick. I hate feeling like I am going to throw up about money. I hate feeling like I have to make my own decisions about life altering things.

Life just seemed so easy when you were a kid. You could play outside until sun down, ride your bike all over creation, be best friends with people in your neighborhood, eat macaroni and cheese and hotdogs for every meal. Your biggest concern of life was what to wear on the first day of school - and that didn't even start until like 4th grade.

I am moving in 3 days. Its very exciting, but also very nervewracking and FREAKING expensive. I forgot about moving van costs, security deposits, new furniture, the fact that I now have to pay for my own cell phone and wireless card for my computer. All this crap adds up and makes me feel like Im 15 and not quite sure what I got myself into.

I hate budgets, but you have to be on one in order to function. I hate caring about money, but you have to because eventually the supply from your parents runs dry and they aren't able to make any more grow out of the money tree. Thank God that I have the most amazing family in the world and they still have my back even though I am an "adult" and 25 years old. I really don't know what I'd do without them.

I also feel like I am a bit schizo because I lay my heart out on my sleeve with every person I meet in every interaction that I have. Its been ok for the last 25 years of my life, but there's something about being an adult that you can't gush your heart and soul to every person that you meet on the street. My boss for the last three years has moonlighted as my therapist as well, and I am sad that that won't be the same in my new job. Even though my principal is amazing and I already told him I think I might be a mental case (seriously?) I know there is something "adult" about not sharing EVERYTHING that goes through my head with my employer. I need to remember that and be more "adult" at my school. Which is fine, but kind of stinks. I just have really enjoyed that part of me and I feel like I need to "grow out of it."

Life's crazy. We go through stages and continue to grow up. We have to deal with new things that are fun and exciting, but things that can also be heart wrenching and sad.

Im just kind of wondering when I grew up and how to make it stop...

ITS KATYS BIRTHDAY!!!

IT'S KATY'S BIRTHDAY!!!

Top Ten Reasons why I love Katy Brashear

10. She is one of the most real people that I know

9. She makes me laugh a lot when we are in a crowd of people

8. She makes the best appetizers and fun drinks

7. She has really great taste in clothes

6. She's going to let me stalk her house when I move to Cincy!

5. She always buys me thumbprint cookies from Dorothy Lane because she knows I love them

4. Whenever Im upset she listens really well and makes me feel so much better

3. She is so smart and just has such an interesting view on so many things - she is a great question asker!

2. She is so much like me and I love it because she understands my brain

1. She loves me a ton and puts up with so much from me!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATEB!

i dont know if i could love these people more

the net

I need to preface this post.
I LOVE the internet. I love so much about it. I love that I've made AMAZING friends via blogging and emailing. I love that I've gotten to have some great conversations and learn things about me and Jesus by reading peoples thoughts. I love that I get to laugh every day because of Sean and Stef or think everyday because of Dan, Mike, Steve or Wes. I love that I get to email my friend in Australia or England and Katy gets to email me SWEET pics from my bffae Jill MINKE'S wedding! I love that I get to talk on instant messenger to people having great talks at 3am when they are in another country and it costs like 80 cents a minute to talk on the phone or something. So I LOVE so much about it. I am just struggling with parts of it.

I really don't love anonymous posting. I just don't understand it. I don't like that it's an option because it stresses me out on who wrote the comments. This isn't really a problem on mine because people usually put their name to it and if they don't they tell me they posted or I know who it is anyways. But on a lot of other people's blogs they will write really mean comments and not show face. It's just weird to me! The internet allows people to not be real sometimes.

The internet also makes me nervous because I feel like it sets up false realities and sometimes false relationships. It allows us to be lax in real conversation with people because we'll just email it or text it or something. The last few days I've had a few interesting interactions using technology...

1) My dear friend Ashley wrote her boss a note of encouragement. She wanted to let him know the great qualities she saw in him and so she wrote a quick note. He then emailed her back saying thanks so much, you're awesome too, blah blah. Then he felt bad that he just emailed that, so he called, but left a message on her voicemail! They had yet to talk about any of those things in person.

Ashley and I then had this great convo about the sadness of technology. Why didn't they have the conversation face to face? Why is it so hard to share emotion - even good emotion - when you are sitting by the person. I struggle with this so much - its hard for me to express how I feel about a person to their face. And I dont really know why.

2) I had a big run in with a guy who was my supervisor in this random thing. I felt like I got treated pretty poorly and I was really upset about it. Normally, I would just retreat, take the beating and be done. But I'm trying so hard to be confrontational in a healthy way. So I called the guy - but the WHOLE time I was praying that his voicemail would pick up. It did. So I rejoiced and got to email him. Which was probably more coherent and nicer than I would have been on the phone. But he then emailed me back and we had this intensely heated conversation over EMAIL. That just makes me sad. Im at fault and so is he. We both work in ministry - our job is to have significant conversations with people and we can't hash out our hurts face to face or atleast phone to phone. It had to be email. Trust me. I loved the safety behind the computer, but the more I think about it, the more it bothers me because what's it going to be like when I see this guy? Can we say awkward? And I am NOT sean and I don't LOVE the awkward. Its one of my fears!

3) One of my friends, who I love, fights with her boyfriend via texting. I can't think of anything more annoying. I hate typing long texts (even though I think I do it a lot) but I can't imagine trying to convey emotion by texting. Talk about miscommunicating! Whenever she gets upset and Im around, I MAKE her atleast call him because its just ridiculous over text and it takes too much time!

4) I have made GREAT friends, like I said earlier, because of random blogs and commenting, etc. My prayer is that I will be friends with these people when I actually live in the same city as them. I hope so, because it will make me so sad that I can bust out my heart behind a computer screen, but then not when I am sitting across a starbucks table with them! And same for them.

So blog friends that I have met or haven't met, that I have emailed my life to, or just read you through random people's postings, can we be as good of friends in person as we are on the computer? Cause I think you're all pretty great and I just love you alrady...

I think this is the start of something beautiful ;)

steelers vs bengals

Anyone want to go to the Steelers vs. Bengals, last regular season game (I think) on New Year's Eve at 1:00pm. Tickets are only like $150. We can get it for each other for Christmas! Who's in and who wants to buy my ticket??

choices, choices

I kind of have a hard time with change. I have a really hard time with making decisions. I base a lot of decisions on the way that I feel about things - not sure if it's the smartest, but it's worked out in the past. When I was graduating high school, I went to each of the colleges that I applied to, and then decided which one I was going to based on the vibe I got there. I'd like to think it was the spirit guiding me, but I feel like Im overspiritualizing here. Who knows?

So now I'm back doing the same thing. I am trying to find a place to live. I have two apartments right now, which is ridiculous, because I am easily suckered into applying for places. One place is perfect location, brand new, but pretty small and pretty expensive. The other place is bigger, but nasty, not as good a location, but $100 less. Now logic would say, screw the "niceness and location" you have no money and you're just sleeping there. But the feeling I get there is horrible. So what the heck is a girl to do?

I also just got offered to coach 7th grade vball in oxford, which I would LOVE. I love coaching, I love volleyball, and I'd LOVE hanging out with kids. I just already feel like I am drowning in second grade because I have no idea what I am doing. So again, I'm counting on the feeling.

Maye I should just pray or something...