emotions

I've been thinking about emotions a ton the last few weeks. Primarily because my whole life just changed and I've been trying to evaluate my feelings/emotions throughout the whole process. Here's what I've concluded - I suck at understanding how I am feeling. I think I'm pretty great at understanding what other people are feeling - a lot of times I will be so empathetic that I swear that I am able to feel exactly what the other person is feeling. Maybe not, but pretty close.
I might the most laid back person on the planet (well second to my brother), but some might describe me as emotionally intense. I would say that is somewhat of a fair statement because I am very easily excited and have been known to cry when I think about hanging out with mine and annie's favorite people and I have definitely cried over a surprise of chocolate covered strawberries because I am so excited. I laugh at everything and I cry at everything. Normally those can mean the same thing and the same emotion might envoke both of them. I cry at every movie, I cry when I hear a heartwrenching story about someone I dont even know, I cry when I hold babies and I used to laugh uncontrolably when I got in trouble at school. So yes, emotionally intense, I guess so. But, I've been trying to gage my emotions during this move and I can't. I have no idea how I am feeling. I guess Im excited - Ive got lots tobe excited about. Im pretty scared - there's a lot of new and unknown. Im pretty happy - there are so many fun people that I get to meet and that I already know. Im pretty sad - I left so many people and relationships that I cherish. But the weird thing is that the last few days I've been telling myself how to feel because I feel so numb. I just don't feel anything.

I think the bottom line that I am trying to get at is that I don't trust my emotions. They overtake me and I can't have any control of them. I can't control bursting with excitement thinking about going to a baseball game, and I can't control not crying when I look at pictures on my fridge. I can't even control feeling something.

So here's my point. Im so glad that my relationship with Jesus isn't based on how I feel. For so long its been based on how I'm feeling in the relationship. Do I feel good? Do I feel close to God? All emotion. All no control. All crap. I LOVE that Jesus loves me in spite of me. I love that my relationship with him isn't based on me. Its based on the attributes of Jesus and who he is. Not who I feel like he is, not who I feel like I am, not anything but who he says he is. One of my friends wrote this in an email that's kind of stuck with me "The certainty that comes with the knowledge that God’s love for me and my status in His Kingdom is independent of my faithfulness, and that no matter how dark things get and no matter how far I feel from Christ, God’s purpose is to preserve me and to keep me..."

I love that. I love the way Jesus is. Thanks that its not dependent on me and my jacked up emotions.