i feel like...

Monday, October 30, 2006

fail forward

What an incredibly hard and an incredibly awesome weekend. I heard a sermon this morning that may be one of the cornerstones of my life and then I heard another one tonight that just added so much to stuff I'm already processing through. It's just awesome how things just happen to come at a time when you need it most.
This morning the pastor told the story of how Peter denied Jesus three times and then how Jesus reinstates Peter and shows him such amazing grace. I have read that story maybe 28 times and I have never been more impacted than I was with it today. Peter fails Jesus in a big way. He denies their friendship and even knowing him at all. Jesus loves Peter in a way that I have no idea. He loves him so much that his desire is to redeem him. He appears to the disciples after his death and resurrection and the whole intention is to bring Peter back home. He asks Peter if he loves him three times - not to make him feel like crap or because he needs to hear it but because he knows Peter needs to have that conversation. After Peter tells him he loves him three times Jesus starts a discussion about his future and about how his death will glorify God. He gives Peter a picture of his life until death and it offers such hope. He doesn't bring up the fact that Peter failed him. Jesus doesn't love him less because of it. He never talks about it. He's done with it. I wonder if Peter was? Their whole interaction was meticulously designed to remind Peter of Jesus' love for him. Its amazing to see the way Jesus works.
God doesn't want our failures to destroy us. He wants them to deepen us into a better understanding of him and to deepen us to just love him more. He wants us to fail forward...to allow our failures to push us forward in our relationship with him. He doesn't focus on our past...he focuses on what's happening now and in the future. I LOVE THAT. Why is it SO hard to accept that? Why do we let our past paralyze us and keep us in this place that is not healthy for us. Why can't we believe that God is over it...he forgives us...he loves us? We allow our past to keep us from greatness and from experiencing true life and love. How do we break that? How do we live? How do we feel the same way about ourselves that God does? I just wish I knew even a little bit of that answer.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

what's going on

I just love my friends. I love every single one of them. They attest every day why God has created us to live in relationship. I dont learn as well without them...I dont process as well without them...and I just dont know what I'd do without them.

I feel like the last month or so has been so nutty. I have been in complete avoidance in everything in my life...EXTREMELY self-absorbed...extremely not even sure what is going on. I'll forget something in literally one second cause I'll start thinking about something else and I dont think that I've shopped this much for awhile...showing some pattern of avoidance that I have had for awhile. I've cried over the most random things...aka, an onstar commercial on the radio - a little girl was on the onstar thing crying because her dad was hurt and she didn't know what to do and I literally started crying. I have gotten near ill about just life stuff...broken relationships I've heard about, stories about hurting and broken lives, my little kids dealing with stuff that I've never even realized...
Its just insane. And for awhile I thought it was because I had been praying lately just to have more compassion. To feel more empathetically - like to actually feel the way the person is feeling. I thought that if I could get there a little bit more then I would be a little less self-absorbed. Trust me when I say I am NO where close.
Tonight I was talking to one of my BFF's of life and we were just talking through the crap that has been so consuming lately. Something that I NEVER realized before is how God uses the junk in our life to show us stuff about him and about ourselves. For example....
Why am I crying over the onstar commercial?
Why did I cry over Fuller's post on the Brass A
Why do I have dreams about my second grade kiddies
I think its not necessarily that God is changing my heart to be more compassionate (which he probably is, but that's not the whole story) BUT I think it's God trying to show me something about the deeper issues in my life. When I'm doing crappy with stuff and when I really need to work on stuff, I think EVERYTHING in my life gets off. My emotions get out of whack, my schedule gets out of whack, I can't think straight.
What is happening? I just dont know sometimes. and I kinda feel weird blogging about this, but it helps me process when I write and again, it helps me process when I get to have conversations about it later....so thanks!


ok here's the deal. Annie got a blog after me...therefore there were more templates available to use. I did NOT realize there was a pink template. My life is close to complete because of this. Now, there are two pink templates..."thisaway rose" and "ms. Moto." I tried to pick the one that is not identical to Annie's, aka AnnaBelle on my side bar, BUT they are the same thing. So...of couse I chose the template that has the name Rose in it - because Rose is just awesome. So this color change is my tribute to Annie and Rose. I just love them.

And its 1am, my sinuses might explode and I've been late to work every day this week! Life is good. I feel like things are getting shaken up and I might have a nervous breakdown in one minute...but God is still so good through that. I need to process... I'm just not sure how

Monday, October 16, 2006


Im back to the blogging world. I dont know why I haven't written anything. I've heard some great things that I thought - that would be cool to blog about. I've had some great conversations in the last few weeks that would have been cool to blog about too. So I dont know what my problem is. I feel like my life has been in autopilot mode for way too long. One of my friends was kinda upset with me and she said, "I really want to hear what's going with your life...what you're thinking about...what you're worried about...what's you're excited about." And I kinda felt really shallow because I have shut down a lot of stuff. There really wasn't a ton for me to tell her about. I felt like in PA I gave every ounce of what I had to give of myself. Moving to Cincy I thought that it would be great for me to take a break from giving anything. So I feel like I went to this autopilot mode where life became all about me. My agenda, my timing, my life. I kinda hate it. I've gotten over the fact that Im not a horrible person because Im not in some organized ministry or leading a set bible study. But, I just am trying to figure out what life looks like now. Living by yourself is not fun because it makes me the most selfish human being on the planet. I also have been the most selfabsorbed friend ever. Sorry if you are friends with me and its been all about me for the last few months.
Tonight Aaron was talking about how something in his life needed to be broken and he finally realized it was himself. I just have been thinking about this a lot lately. I think my days of autopilot are over. I think God is about to bust my a and I am kinda nervous. I think he let me have my days of rest. He let me live selfishly for a few months. He allowed me to not feel about stuff and now I'm just freaked out. I have been praying that he will break my selfishness. That he'll break my idleness. That he'll give me so much more compassion for the people that I love in my life. I know he can do it and I have a feeling he's going to start doing it. So if I start crying all the time, dont worry about that - it's just me learning stuff that I need to learn and feeling things that I need to feel.

Sunday, October 01, 2006


I have got some SERIOUS significance issues. Like beyond serious. It's actually extermely ridiculous. I get a huge complex when people dont freak out in excitement when they see me. I have huge problems if someone doesn't beg me to come hang out with them. If someone says to me, dont worry about it if you can't come, I feel like they are saying don't come at all. I feel like if I go visit Altoona and people dont ring my phone off the hook, my life didn't really matter there.
When I was in fourth grade I had like one friend. When I started fifth grade I decided I was going to become the coolest kid in school. So I kissed EVERYONE'S butt. I did anything anyone ever asked me to do...I told everyone how awesome they were...I became the definition of a people pleaser. This continued on until I became known as the nicest girl in school and prided myself on having zero enemies. It was my life goal to become an ultra - and then I wanted to become better than an ultra - someone who is friends with all people and isn't too cool for anyone. It is ridiculous. And it is this ridiculous cycle that plays out STILL. Im going to be 26 in like a day. Its ridiculous that I haven't figured out someway to let the way other people view me not affect me. I guess it's always going to some what affect me, but I dont want it to control me. I dont want it to define who I am. Because it's crap. I freak when people analyze me (ask Fuller)...I freak when I feel like people are thinking things about me when they aren't - its just some made up weird thing in my head...I hate that I over analyze EVERYTHING that there is to analyze. It is ridiculous, controlling and such a waste of energy and emotion. Even when you're the coolest girl in school - you're still not satisfied, you're still not happy. All that drives my life is this significance problem...it drives who Im friends with...it drives my occupation...where I live...what I do on a Tuesday night...EVERYTHING
In college, this was my biggest struggle and I feel like its going to be until I die. Someone gave me a verse in Psalms that I have clung to for so long..."God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..." Why do I allow myself to not feel that sometimes? Why do I allow myself to fall into the trap of questioning everything and everyone? Why do I always want more and why is it ALWAYS about me?