so....

Im back to the blogging world. I dont know why I haven't written anything. I've heard some great things that I thought - that would be cool to blog about. I've had some great conversations in the last few weeks that would have been cool to blog about too. So I dont know what my problem is. I feel like my life has been in autopilot mode for way too long. One of my friends was kinda upset with me and she said, "I really want to hear what's going with your life...what you're thinking about...what you're worried about...what's you're excited about." And I kinda felt really shallow because I have shut down a lot of stuff. There really wasn't a ton for me to tell her about. I felt like in PA I gave every ounce of what I had to give of myself. Moving to Cincy I thought that it would be great for me to take a break from giving anything. So I feel like I went to this autopilot mode where life became all about me. My agenda, my timing, my life. I kinda hate it. I've gotten over the fact that Im not a horrible person because Im not in some organized ministry or leading a set bible study. But, I just am trying to figure out what life looks like now. Living by yourself is not fun because it makes me the most selfish human being on the planet. I also have been the most selfabsorbed friend ever. Sorry if you are friends with me and its been all about me for the last few months.
Tonight Aaron was talking about how something in his life needed to be broken and he finally realized it was himself. I just have been thinking about this a lot lately. I think my days of autopilot are over. I think God is about to bust my a and I am kinda nervous. I think he let me have my days of rest. He let me live selfishly for a few months. He allowed me to not feel about stuff and now I'm just freaked out. I have been praying that he will break my selfishness. That he'll break my idleness. That he'll give me so much more compassion for the people that I love in my life. I know he can do it and I have a feeling he's going to start doing it. So if I start crying all the time, dont worry about that - it's just me learning stuff that I need to learn and feeling things that I need to feel.