im going a bit crazy right now

I just need to release some thoughts because my head is spinning. Im not really sure what my deal is...but here's what's been on my mind, in case you were wondering

a) A very wise man was talking about being and going and saying all the things that I needed to hear. Aaron was talking about brokeness and being real and it was just so encouraging and kind of heart wrenching at the same time. Tonight he said something like, "why are we so afraid of brokeness when the story of redemption focuses on the God of the universe being broken for us." It was much more elegant than that, but why are we so afraid of being broken? Why are we so afraid of being real? People will still like us - I bet people will actually still love us. It's like we are so afraid of getting found out that we just hide out. That is so sad and I am the number one hider. So Im not sure what to do about that...I just am putting that out there.

b) In case you haven't realized, I tend to get obsessed and really excited about people really easily. And you might say, "wow jana, that's weird." But I dont really feel like it is. I feel like I am really good at first impressions of meeting people and just knowing what they are like...what's at their cores. So, if I sense goodness, I get really excited and want to be BFF's right away. If you have felt my stalkerishness lately, knowing that it's because I sense greatness in you and I am so excited to be your friend and for you to be mine. Im not just weird and needy ;)

c) Partnering with that last thought - I feel like it bites me in the a sometimes. I've gone to a few things to meet fun people the past month and immediately I'll write people off because of their weird insecurities (or mine) or the fact that I feel like we wouldn't connect. That's not fair because Im probably missing out on some pretty great people because I want so bad to be an "ultra." But I want to get to a point, where when I see someone's issues I immediately shift to compassion, and not, "Im so much better than them." Not really sure about that either - just throwing that out there.

d) being single and living by yourself makes you the most selfish being on the planet. Im just going to throw that out there - sorry if you do that and you're not selfish. I very quickly need a dog or someone to kick my a and tell me to stop being so freaking selfish.

e) I want heaven. I want the real heaven but I want heaven on earth too. I want safety, and exposure and love and perfectness. I dont want to have to worry about what's to come or what's not to come...I want to stop having to convince myself that God's timing is good and just know that it is perfect...I want to love perfectly and completely...I want to be loved perfectly and completely...I want to be me and real and all the crap that comes with it.

Thanks for getting in my brain for a few minutes.