relearning

So Im in a bit of a dilemma. I feel like I am at this weird cross roads in my life and Im not sure what to do. Ever since I've been a Christian, Young Life has been a HUGE part of me. I love it. I love everything about it. But one of the reasons why I moved is because I dont' know my faith outside of it. I don't know ministry outside of it.

For the past 8 years I have been "giving my life away" to high school students. I know how to do it. You go to their junk, love them, talk about real things, hopefully get to talk to them about Jesus and I feel pretty good about myself. I love high school kids and I love talking to them about life. I know how to give club talks, I know how to run bible studies, I know how to recruit leaders, I know how to talk to donors. I know all of that like that back of my hand and it got too comfortable.

Now I am longing for that comfort again. I forget that life is different apart from a set ministry. "Giving my life away" doesn't necessarily mean going to 133 games in a week or planning 34 bible studies. Ministry isn't just handed to me. It's harder for me to let people know I love Jesus because I'm not wearing the Young Life hat - Im wearing the teacher hat, or the new girl hat, or the friend of a friend. It's not as easy for me to bring up spiritual stuff because people aren't expecting it all the time. Which I kind of love, but also am not really sure what to do.

I also have noticed a pretty big change in my own relationship with Jesus. I have ALWAYS sucked at spending significant time reading my bible, setting time aside, etc. But in Young Life I was forced to because of Campaigners, club talks, small groups, etc. I miss it. I miss the constant motivation to learn something new or to just get in the word daily or to just rest.

Maybe my motivation was whacked out before. Probably. Maybe Im not really sure I understand what it means to fully love Jesus. Probably on that too. But I want to long to spend time with Jesus the way I felt tonight. I want to long to share my life with people and somehow get to a point where we talk about spiritual things. I want to love people differently so they wonder why and just for the sake of loving them. I want to know what the CRAP it means to love Jesus and to love people outside of a set ministry. Its a lot harder than I thought and Im nervous that Im going to have to deal with some other crap in my life in the midst of figuring it out.

Why can't life just be easy and why can't I go to heaven right this sec.