confession

I was at this REALLY great bible study last night. I just haven't been in a room with that much wisdom for a long time. Well maybe I have...sorry peeps...I guess I just haven't been in a room with that much wisdom when the only purpose was to talk about Jesus and the bible. If you live in Cincy or Dayton and want to come hang out - it'd be great. Tuesday nights 7pm.
Anyways...
I was struggling with whether or not I wanted to go because I get shy or something in places that I dont know a ton of people. Well, maybe Im not shy, but I feel shy - if that makes ANY sense. But I wasn't feeling like being the outwardly spoken person and risking feeling weird because I was appearing somewhere by myself (which I hate) but i went. I forced myself off the couch and went...was late...but went :)
I need to give some mad props to Kevin Jamison and if you dont know him, you need to get to know him because he is WONDERFUL. i just love the way that he loves the word and how he just explains it and leads discussion in such a way that my head spins when I leave. And what's awesome is that we looked at 2 verses. There is so much jam packed in scripture that we spent 1 hour on 2 verses and I haven't been as excited about scripture then I was last night in a long time.

So here's the confession. I've found myself pretty good at playing the game - you might tell me Im not good at playing the game and you've known for awhile that I dont know what Im talking about - but I feel lik I have figured out what to say and how to say it. Last night I was trying to think of something to say that was SO awesome that everyone in the room would be like, "wow, jana's awesome." I HATE that I was like that. I sat there fighting with myself about how its dumb that I need to sound spiritual. That I need to sound like I have it all together. I dont have it all together. Not at all actually. And everyone probably knows that. I hate that I feel like I need to prove myself all the time. I used to get really nervous in YL because of doing seminars and crap like that. I dont think it was because I didn't like talking in front of large groups - Im totally fine with that. I think I used to get so nervous because I was so afraid of being found out. Someone was going to see that I didn't really know what I was talking about. That was what I thought about the most. That is what I still think about the most. I just want to be real and stop finding that so much of who I am is wrapped up into what people think about me. Its ridiculous and its such a tiresome game.
God's got much bigger things for me to be a part of and its just dumb that I spend so much time and energy trying to think of the right things to say and do. So you all now have permission to hold me accountable to being real - to not be so caught up in what everyone else says of thinks...its just so tiresome.