issues

I have got some SERIOUS significance issues. Like beyond serious. It's actually extermely ridiculous. I get a huge complex when people dont freak out in excitement when they see me. I have huge problems if someone doesn't beg me to come hang out with them. If someone says to me, dont worry about it if you can't come, I feel like they are saying don't come at all. I feel like if I go visit Altoona and people dont ring my phone off the hook, my life didn't really matter there.
When I was in fourth grade I had like one friend. When I started fifth grade I decided I was going to become the coolest kid in school. So I kissed EVERYONE'S butt. I did anything anyone ever asked me to do...I told everyone how awesome they were...I became the definition of a people pleaser. This continued on until I became known as the nicest girl in school and prided myself on having zero enemies. It was my life goal to become an ultra - and then I wanted to become better than an ultra - someone who is friends with all people and isn't too cool for anyone. It is ridiculous. And it is this ridiculous cycle that plays out STILL. Im going to be 26 in like a day. Its ridiculous that I haven't figured out someway to let the way other people view me not affect me. I guess it's always going to some what affect me, but I dont want it to control me. I dont want it to define who I am. Because it's crap. I freak when people analyze me (ask Fuller)...I freak when I feel like people are thinking things about me when they aren't - its just some made up weird thing in my head...I hate that I over analyze EVERYTHING that there is to analyze. It is ridiculous, controlling and such a waste of energy and emotion. Even when you're the coolest girl in school - you're still not satisfied, you're still not happy. All that drives my life is this significance problem...it drives who Im friends with...it drives my occupation...where I live...what I do on a Tuesday night...EVERYTHING
In college, this was my biggest struggle and I feel like its going to be until I die. Someone gave me a verse in Psalms that I have clung to for so long..."God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever..." Why do I allow myself to not feel that sometimes? Why do I allow myself to fall into the trap of questioning everything and everyone? Why do I always want more and why is it ALWAYS about me?