i feel like...

Thursday, December 28, 2006

on relationships...

Tonight I was watching Seinfeld with my bro and Jerry gave me a thought on life that I might not ever forget. Some girl saved his life and they went out and everything was alike about them...they ordered cereal at a restaurant, they have the same initials, same sense of humor, etc., etc. Here was his quote:

"I finally know what I've been looking for my whole life...myself! Im in love with myself! I have swept myself off of my feet!"

That is me. I get excited about guys when they have my same sense of humor, when they like football, when they love Jesus, when they don't care about money or bad driving, when they are laid back and able to engage in interesting conversations. Basically, when they are me in male form.

Sean used to ask me what my "list" was when I was in college. Basically what was essential to me in the guy I want to marry. In college it was, love Jesus, lead Young Life (preferably be on staff, and then on top of that be one of the greats) and then play guitar. Sean would then IN FRONT OF THE GUYS have me rate how they are compared to my list. It was awesome.

I think I'm done with that. I think there is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more to people than anything that I'll ever know and I just need to stop. I get in a zone in my head where I think this guy can't be prfect for me because he is nothing like me and that's not very fair. It's also not fair that I create who this guy might be in my head...basically who I want him to be. I want to enjoy people for who they are. Period. Who cares if they like bow-hunting? Who cares if they are shy in big groups? Who cares if they dress better than I do? That might be good for me, actually.

I think that I might just be done looking and analyzing. It's way too exhausting and emotionally expensive. Can life just be fun for a little bit and not complicated?

Monday, December 25, 2006

It's the most wonderful time of the year...


Wednesday, December 20, 2006


my pimped pic!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

i dont care what you've got

I love Over the Rhine. I didn't 2 days ago. I hadn't listened to them until two days ago. My dear friends Dan and Julie love them and I made them come down and go to the concert with me. When you see someone in concert they are just awesome. And when you see it with people who already love it, it makes you love it. I listened to a few songs this week, so I sort of knew what to expect, and I think I've discovered some of the greatest lyrics of all time.

Saturday night was one of the most spiritual experiences I've had in a long time. It was amazing to talk about old memories and just be with some great people. I just got reminded of a lot of God moments and cool stuff that I forget too easily. And then to be able to listen to this beautiful voice sing about life and love and jesus was amazing.

This song is just resonating with me right now and Im not sure why. I feel like God's doing some stuff and Im interested to see where this goes.


I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

My favorite part is the whatever you got, I don't mind. I dont want to mind whatever you've got. Who cares about your junk? Why do I immediately shut down because some part of a person annoys me?

I want to love without fear. What is there to be afraid of? Disappointment? Hurt? Embarrasment? What is it that blocks me from loving people the way we were created to love? I always see the junk. I always focus on the junk. I dont want to.

My prayer for my life is to love fearlessly...without any conditions, ulterior motivation, without letting the junk affect my image of people in my life.

Because seriously we've all got junk...even me

ps. peggy...sorry for all the questions :)

Monday, December 11, 2006


I think that I got the senior superlative for most laid back. If I didn't get it, I was up there, and someone who smoked pot all the time got it. I mean is that even a discussion?

My question is...what happened to that girl? One of my friends (whom I love and respect a TON) told me I was intense - like off the scale intense. And I've been stressed out about it ever since. So since Friday I've been 'soul searching' trying to figure out who I am, who I've become, blah blah blah.

Those statements alone make me sound intense.

I feel like I still can be one of the most laid back people on the planet - when I get in a car wreck, I dont really care. If I break my cell phone, I dont lose any sleep over it. If I am lost, I just drive around until I get unlost. If one of my friends really hurts my feelings, I am pretty easy to forgive.

But right now I am on overload. I feel intense. I feel stressed out all the time. I feel like I can never get it all done. I feel like I can never make everyone happy. I feel like I want everyone to love me to pieces, so I have to do everything I can to make sure I know them and I am known by them.

What the heck is that? That is not a way to live.

I got to be with one of my dear friends for like 2 hours tonight and it was just awesome. No planned agenda. No feeling like I needed to be anything. I just needed to be right there loving her and allowing her to love me. That was not intense.

I want to have those moments with Jesus all the time. Just being and allowing him to love me. This song just softens my heart about this and it is currently my song of the week...here's the chorus:

Sweetly Broken
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

Sunday, December 10, 2006


I just got back from hanging out with one of my friends tonight and we had a really interesting convo. We were talking about relationships and how crazy they can be and some of the best ones that we have seen. He said something really interesting that I guess I knew, but never really heard put into words before.

He said that all guys want is a girl that can bring them to a better place. He said that's really all they are looking for. A girl that can challenge them to be a better person and a girl that can encourage them. That's really all guys want? I KNOW there is more to it, but i sort of believe him when he says that.

I have seen a few relationships that this was so evident in. They are amazing to watch. Each person compliments the other so well and they bring out the best parts in each other. I really love that picture.

Thursday, December 07, 2006


When one hour delays go to SNOW DAYS!!!!!!!!

adventures with the '04 Focus

1. The number one advantage of being a teacher (besides affecting lives of course) is that we get SNOW DELAYS!!!!

2. The number one disadvantage about me getting a snow delay is that I drive a Ford Focus. Let's just say it took me over an hour to get to school (normally 20 minutes)...I cried most of that hour because I went into not one, not two, but three ditches and somehow got out. One of the ditches already had a car in it that I just missed hitting. But after venturing out of the ditches I couldn't make it up this dinky little hill and literally backed up traffic for about 45 minutes. It was awesome.

3. Just a side note....you can still see grass, so obviously it didn't snow that hard. I can't wait for a blizzard. Maybe my car will total and I will do dances so I can get a new one

Who's got the best snow car? Want to trade?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

two things I've been thinking about

1. Annie wrote it perfectly in her blog about Christmas lights so go read it - http://anniemichaelmurphy.blogspot.com/
I love the minds and hearts of children. LOVE them. I think that's why I have loved teaching so much this year and why I dont mind baby puke on me :) They are so wonderful and ALWAYS straight up.

2. This is kinda weird, but I have LOVED watching the birds lately. I actually dont love birds, they freak me out, but its been fun to watch them fly around in their groups. There are seriously like 1,000 birds that will sit on the same tree, randomly get up and fly and somehow all know the same direction to go. They stick together like no other animal I have seen. After they fly around for a few minutes they go back to their tree or telephone wire or whatever, but they are always together.

I think this is why Where the Red Fern Grows is one of my all time favorite books. The two dogs can't survive with out each other. Dan gets killed trying to save his owner/friend and Little Ann dies a few days later basically from heartbreak. (sorry if you've never read the book) I love that picture. I don't feel like it's a weird dependency, but a deep and true love.

If you know me at all, you know that I love to be around people...it's almost torturous for me to be living by myself. I love the companionship I have with some of my friends. I seriously have the most amazing friends in the world and I am SO SO SO SO thankful for you guys :)