i feel like...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

from an email that just speaks what;s in my heart right now

"I will tell you though that there’s no feeling like waking up without an
alarm clock, smiling at the sun and wishing the morning would never end.
That my friends, I think we can all understand."

I need to get to that place...pretty quick

something spiritual

Ok, because I feel like I might get burned at the stake for my last two posts, I want to put something spiritual oon here in order to save face.
I feel bad posting this after being a bit obnoxious, because it deserves much more positive attention than I am giving it...
I am begging that everyone in my life read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. Lately I have been really into stories of the Holocaust and this one is amazing. Corrie and her family are a Christian family in Holland during the German occupation and they are the leaders of a group of people who set up an underground railroad to smuggle and hide Jews. It's an amazing story of bravery, determination, love and an amazing image of the love of Jesus. The story starts with the background of the family, tells of their secret operation and then describes life in one of the concentration camps after they were caught.

I just want to share a little excerpt of it for you and PLEASE read the book. It will change your life....

"Though Betsie (Corrie's sister) was now spared heavy outdoor labor, she still had to stand the twice-daily roll call. As December temperatures fell, they became true endurance tests and many did not survive. One dark morning when ice was forming a halo around each street lamp, a feeble minded girl two rows ahead of us suddenly soiled herself. A guard rushed at her, swinging her thick leather crop while the girl shrieked in pain and terror. It was always more terrible when one of the innocent ones was beaten. Still the Aufseherin continued to whip her. It was the guard we had nicknamed "The Snake" because of the shiny dress she wore. I could see it now beneath her long wool cape, when the screaming gave and she at last lay still on the cinder street.
"Betsie," I whispered when The Snake was far enough away, "what can we do for these people? Afterwards I mean. Can't we make a home for them and care for them and love them?"
"Corrie, I pray everyday that we will be allowed to do this! To show them that love is the greatest."
And it wasn't until I was gathering twigs later in the morning that I realized that I had been thinking of the feeble-minded, and Betsie of their persecutors."

I didn't mean to pick kind of a grotesque picture, but I just LOVE the different way of thinking this family had. It is such an amazing picture of how love conquers all and God is bigger than any evil that comes near us or even exists.

not telling how long it took to find decent pics

I just wanted to let you ALL know that there is hope for anyone out there...
it really is the uniform for me, and I think I might dare say that it applies to most male athletes in uni...I feel like I might take that back later, but alas...

Now these guys, let me tell you what

I will even be gracious enough to add this guy

fit into my attractive men in unis category nicely

Friday, June 23, 2006

quick questions

1) Why are baseball players always cute? I mean they are ALWAYS good looking...and I think the uniform has something to do with it

2) Why is the Minnesota Twins emblem/logo/icon like the Reds emblem or whatever (the "C")? It has the Cincinnati "C" with a T in the middle of it. Why is that?
I'm counting on you Reds fans out there...which I am quickly becoming...but the Bengals are just too far off for me still - Steelers all the way baby ;)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

car salesman

One time when I was younger, I went with my mom to "look" at cars. My dad ad bro couldn't go so my mom and I just went out to browse. If you are a woman, don't go browse alone. Car salesmen can be sooooooo pushy and so manipulative that it might make you buy a car or just nausea. I think I get my people pleasing obsession and my ability to say no from my mom, and this is a perfect example of that. We were trying to lease a car for $150 a month. We knew that this was a ridiculous price, but were like, hey, whatever, we're just looking. This salesman came over to us and was like we are going to help you out. He's like, ma'am, will you sign this paper saying that if I get you a brand new car down to $150 a month, you'll buy it. So my mom was like, sure, why not? Then he proceeds to take her drivers license so we can't leave. SO weird and SO shady. To make a long story short, he got the car down to $150, but that didn't include all these taxes, which bumped it up to $200 a month - which we didn't find that out until after signing all the papers. My mom drove her new car home bawling and feeling very used and abused. She knew some of it was her own doing and inability to walk away, but still, it was a pretty bad situation. Thank the Lord my dad is maybe the most laid back, level headed guy I know. I HAVE to marry someone like that or I will forever have comparison issues because my dad is so great. He was SO awesome about the car thing - made my mom not quite as sick over it.

Anyways...sometimes I feel like a used car salesman when I am telling people about Jesus. Especially when I'm at camp with kids. I feel like I'm trying to convince them that Jesus is the greatest thing going - I try and think of all the ways that he will benefit their life - which is ok to a point, but not when it gets sales-ish. Jesus doesn't need us to sell him. He sells himself. He is attractive and amazing without us - in fact, I feel like we dirty him up a bit. Not intentionally, but we minimize his awesomeness. One of the program guys at camp was like, You don't see ads for lamburghini's (sp?) but you see a TON of ads for used or previously owned cars. A lamburghini sells itself. You don't need to give a great deal for it. You just need to get the buyer in front of it, and it'll do the rest itself. I hate it when I forget that my role is to get these amazing kids and people in my life in front of Jesus. My responsibility isn't to take their drivers license or have them sign some ridiculous contract, but my responsibility is to love them and bring them to the foot of the cross.

God, please remind me of my role - thank you that in the end you are so much bigger than I am.


I was driving home from SW Ohio today and it was maybe the most amazing drive ever. Somehow it took me 5 hours to get there on Saturday morning, but it took 6 hours to get home, but I didn't really care.

For the last two hours of the trip I was in the most amazing lightning storm ever. At first it was just lightning in the sky and then it was raining like crazy. I normally hate driving in the rain, but tonight I just loved it. I think I was traveling with the storm or something because it was bad the whole time. Fuller, you would have crapped your pants.

Is it weird that my favorite thing to do in the rain while driving is to hit those HUGE puddles and make like a wave over someones mailbox? And is it bad that I splashed someone big time when I was in high school - I still feel bad about that.

Monday, June 19, 2006

big ideas

Ok I am sick of job hunting. I'm done for now. I'm going to go drive around Cincy and Dayton and find the closest Starbucks and sit and wallow in my despair. It's not that bad, I just dont know what I am doing and I am too distracted by thoughts like this...

I think I have a problem with falling madly in love with the idea of something. For example. Yesterday Katy and I were hanging out at Sean and Annie's. The house across the street from them is for sale. I immediately became obsessed. I REALLY want to live in that area, they are right by the highway, and I would be across the street from some people who I love more than life. Forget the fact that I have no income and its listed at 189,900. Forget the fact that Katy, who I want to live with, has a job in Beavercreek which is 40 minutes away. I am just in love with this house. I thought about figuring out how I could buy it by myself - even though I have no income as of July 31, and I mean seriously? I just can't get the house out of my mind. I keep imagining flickering my flashlight at Griff and Cooper to say good night. I keep imagining runningacross the street when I am upset about something and crying to Annie in person, and not just over the phone. I keep imagining The Office nights where I can walk home instead of driving 30 minutes. Everything is great - its just not reality and its not ever going to be reality.

I am doing this as I am looking for jobs. I imagine what it might be like to get a job at a university and go there for free. I imagine what it'd be like to teach high school kids. None of this is reality right now and its not looking too promising!

I do the same thing with dating. Everything becomes perfect in my mind. I meet someone and I immediately imagine what it would be like to date them. I hang out with someone or have a phone conversation or see them at the grocery store, and my mind goes into complete ridiculousness. This happens to me all the time. I imagine how I complete the person perfectly and they complete me. Forget the fact that I dont really know him. Forget the fact that we haven't had a ton of real conversations. Forget the fact that I'm not sure of anything about them. In my imagination life is good. I am loved. He is loved. We get to have this great house (maybe across the street from Sean and Annie), I get to hold my own little baby girl, I get to love and serve him and he gets to love and serve me. Now I KNOW that NONE of this is real. It probably never will be real. I just really hope Im not one of those people that is destined for singledom! But its hard for me to stop imagining it. And it gets even harder when my heart gets involved in it.

I hate it when my mind spills into my heart. It just makes it that much harder to accept the non-realities in my life. So my prayer now is to focus on the realness of my life - I think I might be missing out on the great things because I am imagining how life could be "better."


So the plan today is to find a job. Its not starting off very well. Can we say that I bought three newspapers yesterday and spent over an hour looking through them to find a job?? The most promising thing was a professional tree climber or a park ranger. Seriously? Is there anything real in the newspaper? I found a few schools, but I feel like they are shady schools...And I also started considering being a truck driver because I was getting so desperate. The thing that stinks is I feel like I couldn't even get that job!!!
My life would be almost perfect if I could work at a college/university and could go to school there for free. Anybody got the hookups?
Ok Im off to be somewhat of an adult....wish me luck!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I'm currently on blogging hiatus. My favorite week of the year is here and I get to take some of my fave friends to Young Life's Rockbridge Alum Springs Virginia. Its just the best time of the year and I LOVE who is going on this trip!! And don't you even worry, you'll get to see some sweet pics of my loves in the blogsto come. Sorry I can't blog when I'm gone...that would just be silly!Thanks for praying!

note to self

Never go see a really scary movie with 4 high school friends and expect to be able to sleep at night.
Im never doing that again until someone is sleeping next to me. This is no fun...it was fun to almost pee my pants in the theatre and then laugh about it with kate, but I'm not ever going to be able to fall asleep!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

last day

Today is the last day of school.

It is such a bittersweet day for me. I haven't even been in this classroom for more than two months, but I have just grown to love some of these kids. I love being in the role as their teacher, even though some of them never really saw me in that light! I can't even imagine if this was my room all year.

So I am SO glad I don't have any more papers to grade, no more fear of being observed by the principal, no more annoying kids who say gross things, some that smell bad, and some who are just down right jerks and make me want to cry, and no more waking up early.

But also, no more great conversations with kids who's parent just died, no more conversations about the bigger things in life, no more times to stand out in the hall with fellow teachers and crack up laughing about nothing, no more convos with the best math department head ever, and no more time to intentionally love these kiddies with the same love that Jesus has for them!

The thing that I think is the hardest for me is the kids that I will never see again. There are kids that I know I will see...I know I will keep in touch with them...and then there are kids that I will never hear of again and I hate admitting it, but I will probably forget their name.

It's really really hard for me to invest so much in people and then have it be nothing. That may be my hardest thing. I have invested my time, energy and heart into something and then to leave is just so so so hard for me.

Im trusting God's got something bigger up his sleeve....I'm hoping for that atleast :)

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


I had this dream last night that I loved. I was at one of my friend's weddings...not really sure which friend and there was this guy that was there who was just totally in love with me. He was persistent on getting to know me, he was very engaging and in my dream we had some great conversation. I don't know if I have ever laughed harder in a dream before.
Now I'm wondering what dreams tell you. When I was in high school, I did some research paper on dreams and their meaning. It was really interesting...I sort of agree with some of it, but I'm wondering if your dreams really are trying to tell you something or are able to tell you something. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? One researcher said that if you dream about falling, your subconscious feels like your life is out of control - I haven't dreamt about that for awhile, so that's a good sign! One of the things I read back then was that if you kiss someone in your dream, you actually have feelings for them.
So do I have some unknown feelings for this person in my dream? I mean, I would be ok with that...I don't really know him, but its fun to have a crush! All I know is that I woke up to my alarm and hit snooze for the next 20 minutes because I wanted to finish this dream that I sort of wish was my life. Now what does THAT say?

Monday, June 05, 2006

the break up

I went to see The Break Up this weekend - was really funny in some parts, but really stupid in some parts. I hated the ending, but Im a need to know for sure that its a happily ever after ending. Sorry if that just ruined it for some of you...
There was this one scene that I about peed my pants about. Jennifer Aniston was ticked off at Vince Vaughn because he didn't help her do anything for this dinner party they had for both sets of parents. He didn't pick up the stuff she wanted, he didn't help cook or clean anything, and after the dinner he wasn't helping her clean stuff up - he just wanted to relax and watch sports highlights and play video games. She was ticked. If you have ever been in a relationship I know you have had to have had a conversation like the one they had. Jennifer was like, "I want you to want to do the dishes with me." and Vince's response was "Why the heck would I want to do the dishes?" I think if I was Jennifer I would have had to start laughing at that come back because seriously, who would want to do the dishes. But she was really ticked and they had a huge fight. She failed to see the humor in the comment and he failed to see the bigger picture. It was funny to watch all the couples nudge each other and whisper about their own fights like that. It's a classic fight for sure.
So parts like that in the movie were really funny - but the premise of the movie was that Vince's character was just really selfish and that's why the relationship wasn't working. He was ridiculously selfish. I will vouch and say that Jennifer's character was a little neurotic, but still. I found myself relating with some of the same qualities of Vince's character. I hated that, but I am selfish to the core! I feel like being single leads you on a selfish road. It allows you to be selfish. It doesn't have to - and I'm not saying that all single people are selfish, but I am for sure. Single people don't have any other people responsibilities, no one we have to talk to, no one that we have to spend time with, no one to tell where we are going this weekend - so we become selfish. We do what we want to do, when we want to do it, and dont worry about anything else. I hate that. I think I am a selfish person naturally, I kind of was a spoiled brat growing up, so that really plays out even more because I am still single.
I really hate being like this. I feel so gross when I see my selfishness in action and when I see it effecting other peopoe. I think I need some practice. I think I need a dog. You can't be that selfish when you have a dog - you at least have to think of someone other than yourself...

Sunday, June 04, 2006

good stuff

I am stealing this - I read it awhile ago, but its hitting me today for some reason...I think because I've been thinking about how personal experience affects how we do ministry....

here's some bits and pieces from Dan Hasletine, Jars of Clay
Your Whole Self
"There is a weight to the Gospel. There is a mass connected to the story of redemption. It is in the dark-places - the addiction to pornography, alcohol, drugs, power and control. It is in our propensity to blame and abuse each other, our greed, and our depravity. It is the substance of these things that gives us a place to speak about the slow road to recovery.
When we find the gospel to be true and start to wrestle with the implications, it eventually brings us to a place where we must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed...
Because we have chosen to speak only about the victory from these things, we are left to promote a Gospel that is feeble and moveable at best, rather than one made of stone-one strong enough to withstand the weight of the world and the depravity that is balanced upon its surface. Our gospel is unbelievable because it's only half of a gospel. It is the resurrection without any signs of the crucifixion. I believe there are profound reasons why Jesus still carried the scars from the nails on His hands when He appeared to His friends. He was bringing the entire Gospel to his disciples...
Within the language of recovery is a phrase, a challenge, a mandate: "Bring the full weight of who you are into your relationships." It means that we are free to bring all of who we are - every part of our story- into our decision-making process. It can be part of the ways we talk, act and love others. It gives people the chance to know us, and it gives people the permission to be known. All individuals have things in their lives that make them unique. Most often this part of their story is connected to abuse, addiction, fear or pain. I have come to believe that the things that make us unique are the ways joy enters into our secrets, the ways light exposes our darkness. This is why we choose not to open these parts of our story up to others. Ultimately, it is our redemption that looks unique-it is the way healing comes, how long it takes, who is involved that makes us different."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

the world received a great blessing on this day...



annie have the greatest birthday ever because you SO deserve it. lives are changed and impacted because of you and i am just more than thankful that you are in my life!!!
everyone go tell her she's beautiful!!!