i feel like...

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

be like mike

i want to be like annie cause i think she is the best mom in the world and she challenges me spiritually and loves me like no other

i want to be like stef cause she never changes who she is for anyone. if she's going to be a jerk, she's going to be a jerk - even if she has some huge crush on you. she isn't afraid to give her opinion even if it changes someone's mind about her

i want to be like katy cause she always knows what to say at the right time. she never says the wrong thing when you're upset and can make anyone feel awesome about themselves.

i want to be like sean cause he is the funniest person i know and it just comes out of his mouth. he doesn't think about something funny he just is. and he asks some of the greatest questions on the planet

i want to be like jill wit aka jill minks because i have never seen anyone more consistent in their walk with christ than her...she is just rock solid and i love it. her love for the word is amazing

i want to be like kelli nussbaum my yl leader because her integrity and compassion for people are two of the things that everyone who meets her will notice about her. they just radiate through her.

i want to be like my mom and dad because i know how much they love me and they give me every opportunity in the world to figure out who i am and what i want to be about

i want to be like fuller and have a million people read my blog and write comments on it. yes. i have a significance problem

i want to be like the teacher i work with next door because kids know what to expect from her. she'll dish it out and get really mad, but i know she is everyone's fave teacher when they have her.

is it weird that i want to be like all these people? i don't want to be them, but i do want to have these qualities that i see in them. i think my ultimate goal is that i want to be like jesus and these things i see in these people are things that are in and from jesus. i LOVE that God gives us examples of people in our lives that reflect him - even if they don't know it!

ps i want to be like other people too, but for the sake of time, know that i love all of you and see jesus in a lot of you :)

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

the best question ever

I once saw this book entitled something like that - the best question ever, or the biggest question, or something. Sean, I think you read it, said it wasn't that good, and I dont think you remembered the question. The question I have right now, that is keeping me up too late cause I have campaigners tomorrow in the am, but is driving me nuts is this:
Is the anxiety you feel in making a decision God's way of saying, I dont know if you should do this, or is it the natural stuff that comes with risk? And how do you know which one it is?

Here's the story. I have a friend. She''s trying to decide whether or not she wants to move. She loves where she lives, but thinks it may not be the healthiest place for her to be at this stage in her life. She loves SW Ohio and loves some of the people down there and gets really excited thinking about what life could be like there. She also gets really excited thinking about what life could be like here. Where she's at now, she knows where she'll live, she knows who she'll hang out with, she knows that she'll have some sort of income, and she knows she won't have to say bye to some of the people who she loves so much. If she moves, she has no idea where she'll live, no idea how she'll make money, some idea of who she'll hang out with, but has NO IDEA what life will be like. When she thinks about staying she feels pretty good. This has been home. This has been life. And its been ok. Not amazing wonderful all the time, but pretty good. It's comfortable. It's easy. It's hard at the same time though. When she thinks about leaving she gets really anxious....really worried....a little sick. But why? Is that God saying, hey girl, stick around, I've got something great for you here? Or is that girl saying, holy crap, life is out of my control, what the heck am I doing?

A couple of posts ago I kind of was thinking about what the point of risking is. I guess I kind of see it. But are you supposed to risk just to risk? Is that what makes life exciting? Cause I kind of agree with that, but I kind of don't. I think God gives us brains and allows us to make decisions....but....I dont really know how to finish that sentence. When I've made life decisions in the past, I've kind of gone with my gut and thought it was from God. I would make a decision, see how it felt, see if I felt peace, if I did I would move forward, if not I would revamp. That's always worked for me. Now it doesn't. I make a decision, feel no peace either way, freak out, and start over again. Shut down about it for awhile...then come back. So I'm not sure what to tell my friend. I'm kind of lost in the question and this little girl needs an answer.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


So I love the book of Esther. Annie led a bible study on it with me and my 6 housemates in college and it was and I think ever will be the best bible study I have ever been a part of. I LOVED every week of it and I just love learning from Annie - she is one of the wisest people I know and I will be like her - its my goal in life :) Now I am re-doing a bible study of it that I am a part of and another one that I am leading. It's interesting to be a part of a bible study and then lead a bible study of the same thing. I get a lot of different insight on it doing it from two different perspectives.
Esther's story is just an awesome example of how God is in the background of our lives ALL THE TIME. We get to be a part of this amazing story of what God is doing and I just love that. There are so many themes that are just perfect for where I am at in life - God's sovereignty, his providence, his wisdom, his timing, each of our "such a times as this" - so much that just speaks to my heart right now.
Lori said something tonight - it was my bible study I'm in, not leading, tonight - and it is just really sticking with me. She was talking about how when you're in your 20s you're kind of where you are and who you are by life circumstance. There wasn't a ton of control that we have on who we are as people and where we've ended up in life. I definitely think we have had some control, but a lot of our backgrounds and childhoods, etc., have sort of played out where we are in our 20s. When we're in our late 30s we've dictated who we've become. We started making choices in our 20s...now...for who we will be in our 30s. What kind of character we'll have, what we'll be about, how much more in love we are with Jesus. We get to pick different paths every day. We make choices everyday. Those choices can either bring us closer to Christ or take us away from him. All those choices added up give us ourselves in our 30s. So we get to pick today who we want to be. We get to start down the path we want to be about. What we do now determines our future.
This sounds like such a mundane, yada yada thing. I've known this for a long time - you control your destiny, blah blah, but we do get to play a role in who God wants us to be. I love that. It's scary as crap, but I love that. I choose loving Jesus. I choose to be a girl who loves people around her the best way she knows how and I choose to be compassionate, trustworthy, empathetic, selfless, reliable, and genuine. I want the choices I make today, right now, to help my life reflect Christ when I'm 35.

Ok, I need to go grade some papers. Grades are due and I'm going to Texas this weekend. I just can't wait to see my family!!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

burning the candle at both ends

My boss/friend/fatherlike figure and I were talking real quick about something today and he was like "Man, what's going on? Do you think both of us are just burnt out?" and I responded with "I dont feel burnt out." He went on to say that I am the most illogical person when it comes to my emotions (he knows me so well:) and that I wouldn't be able to tell if I was burnt out or not. I don't know if I agree with that statement. Yes, I feel tired. Yes, I sometimes don't want to do things. But, Yes, I still experience so many joys in this ministry and I think if I was burnt out I wouldn't be feeling the joys. Maybe I'm way off base, and maybe Tim's right, but I just don't know. What does being burnt out really feel like? Maybe I've been burnt out for awhile, I just kept pushing past that? Who the heck knows. I get to go to a BBQ now though - I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER AND BBQS ALL THE TIME!!!!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

la familia

Sometimes I just miss family so much. I miss family dinners. I miss lots of people around at Christmas. I miss fighting over who gets to use the phone or the computer. I miss the honesty that comes with family - like how that shirt looks really bad on me, or my cooking is really not good. I miss the euchre tournaments. I miss watching movies together. I miss going to the beach.
Three out of my four grandparents have passed away in the last 4 years and my Grandma that is left is just not even really coherent. Grandparents lives are just so rich. They have so many stories - so many memories - so much wisdom to share. I just love the feeling of going to Grandma's house. I love the feeling of feeling like you are home. Someone was there who loved you, was proud of your cheesy soccer trophy, and who wouldn't miss your pre school graduation for the world. Grandparent's houses have this familiarity to them. Their lime green toilet and hot pink walls in the bathroom look awesome. Not because they are in style, but because they are Grandma's.
I got to hang out with Ash and one of the girls from my summer staff tonight. It was SO good. Ash and I met Marisa at her grandparents house. I could have stayed there all night and have the best night ever. I think I just took advantage of my grandparents stories. I took advantage of the times when we would play cards, drink lemonade and eat homemade chexmix on the back porch. or play croquet in the front yard. I just miss that feeling.
I want to have a ton of kids. Family is SO huge for me. I want my kids to feel like there are always people around that love them and are there for them. I want my kid's kids to have a lot of aunts and uncles - a ton of cousins and big family reunions are the best. I just miss family. I want it so bad.
I think God created us like this. I love that he gives us people in our lives who love us a little bit like the way that he loves us. No matter what you do to family they still love you because you're family. God's loves us now, forever, no matter what. I just don't want to miss out on that like I missed out on such awesome times with my grandparents, mom and dad, bro, aunts, uncles, cousins....
I just love my family so much - and I love the people who are like family to me too

Friday, May 19, 2006

a few odds and ends

sorry for the nonposting lately
here's a few things I've been thinking about...

a) It is WAY harder for me to love Christians than it is for me to love nonChristians. I keep hearing about all these stories of pastors that are like, I am NOT seeing the DaVinci Code, why would I give money to promote that - why would I support that movie and Dan Brown? It just makes me so sad. I think this may be one of the greatest movies of all time that leads directly to people having conversations about Jesus. Even more so than the Passion of the Christ because I feel like the Passion of the Christ was seen more by nonChristians and it was also on "the Christian's side." Davinci Code is on "the nonchristians side." It's their world. We get to tap into that. We get to go see the movie with them because they asked us to go. We get to have some REALLY awesome conversations with them about who Jesus really is and we actually know what is happening cause we saw the movie - maybe with them. I just don't get it. What an awesome opportunity.

b) I hate that I just said us and them in my first point. I just went back and read it and I hate that I was dividing all of us - not sure why, I just hate it.

c) In saying all that about DaVinci the question I've been wrestling with all week is one I feel like I have been my whole life. I might have posted about it too, I dont know. Is there a point where I, in trying to become relevant, compromise my integrity? Like in me going to a bar and getting a drink with my nonChristian friends - js that relating? or is it compromising? I guess that's not that great of an example...maybe like, is me really liking Brokeback Mountain, (which I've never seen) compromising what I stand for. I've heard people say BBM is a great love story, but I'm like, it's not the kind of love God created - so is it still ok??? I dont know - and I would say I'm on the liberal side of Christianity. I always say, hate the sin, love the sinner, but on things that don't involve a specific person, like a movie, or book, or song, where there isn't a sinner to love, but a general population...how does that work? I dont know if this is making any sense...I just am busting out the random thoughts.

d) On a lighter note, Chasing Cars is an AMAZING song - download it - it's by Snow Patrol, courtesy of Grey's Anatomy- aka the best show ever - actually it's tied with Lost, but we'll see if the finale can be the tie breaker! oh wait - The Office is the best, they are tied for second. how could I forget about my boyfriend???!!

e) speaking of Lost - can someone please explain to me the Lost Experience blog thing? and the Hanso Foundation commercials and this website? I really don't get it. It's kind of freaking me out too. So info would be awesome.

f) Anyone (besides you Murph, you are awesome at this) want to find me a job? I'll consider it all...

g) I fell asleep at 7:30 pm last night - I have not done that since I was like 5 months old.... By the way I am addicted to Mt. Dew. It's becoming a problem. I wake up too late for coffee, so I just have to buy something out of the vending machine that has caffeine - Dew it is. I used to hate it!

h) sorry for the randomness of this post - I'm in one of those moods...


Monday, May 15, 2006

all in a days work

I hope you guys had a great weekend and you got to spend some QT with your mama!
I unfortunately was grounded in PA this weekend - my little focus is getting a little p'd at me because i keep making it drive cross-country for the last 5 weeks!
Here are some interesting events of the day so far...gotta love Mondays

a) woke up late, thus causing me to forget half my life at home because I was SO focused to get to school early
b) I saw this guy in the hallway that I've been meaning to intro myself too, (i was in his class for 3 weeks) and I freaked out and didn't say anything to him. Why do we do that? Maybe it's not a we thing - why do I do that? Why is it sometimes so hard for me to say the first thing?! It's not like I'm attracted to him or anything - he's like 50 an his daughter is in my class right now. I just picked up my mail and acted like I was intently reading it - SO weird!
c) this kid, Dan, just YELLED mother f---er when I was literally a foot in front of him. Someone threw something at him and he turned around and just busted it out. I now have a bruise on my leg because I started laughing and I couldn't stop so I had to control myself by making something hurt. I didn't know what to do it was SO out of nowhere!
d) i am about to pass out and the vending machine by my room is out of mt. dew - my new obsession. So i went on a hunt for it - i proceded to check all the teachers lounges and definitely busted in on a principal's meeting. all four of them, sitting in a room, and here come Miss I can't Control my Class and I just bust in on it - I guess that room is off limits 5th period. But alas, I get my mt. dew/

All is well in the world - I am done wiht softball, so I actually get to go to the gym today and for club we jsut have a little bbq tonight! fun fun!
peace out homies

Thursday, May 11, 2006


I'm sorry if this places unrealistic expectations on guys and if its totally not anything close to reality, but we REALLY need to figure out a way to make Jim Halpert be a real person. I am obsessed. This is more serious than my obsession with Jack on lost. I just love him and I wanted to be Pam Beesly so bad when he was like "I'm in love with you" and then he had that little tear on his cheek - I mean SERIOUSLY people!
And his birthday is in October...it was so meant to be...

PS Sean....he's made guest appearances on Ed - or maybe just one, but still - that is quality right there!
PPS Did they really just start ER with GoldDigger??

photo album

I just wanted to share with you some of the fun things I've gotten to do the last few weeks! I didn't get to see any amazing mountains or go on a boat ride, but I got to see some of my favorite people of life! Here is a picture trail of April/May
A few weeks ago, we celebrated the fact that Jill Wit is soon to be Jill Martin Minke!!!!!!!!!!! We just love Scotty and we are so excited for both of them! Here are some pics from our bachelorette weekend!

Then the next weekend I got to drive on 70 again to my bro's graduation who I love - I reallllly would love to live with him next year - we'll see how that goes :) Before I met up with my fam, I got to have bfast at my fave restaurant, with my fave mentor ever, Annie Micheal Murphy. I dont have any pics of her because it was kinda sick the amount of food we ate - we don't want that to be documented...at least she has the excuse that she is eating for two!

Then I got to go to Jill and Scooter's wedding shower open house...It was WAY better than annoying games and your classic shower. It was like graduation party with all sorts of people coming and going! I just love these two so much!

So that's my life. 4 states in 48 hours. (I just drove through West Va, but it sounds cool to say) Ok, I need to go grade some fing papers now! Have a great day!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

i give myself an d--

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated lately - for all of you who care so deeply. It is just so dissapointing when someone doesn't update their blog for a few days because it's one of the highlights of my day to read a new post. It's sooooooooo great to see a new little writing by some very wise and funny people. It's kinda like when you go to the mailbox and see if you have any personal mail, or when you used to sign onto aol and the beautiful words, You've Got Mail rang loud and clear. I guess blogs aren't personal messages to me, but alas, a girl can dream, can't she?

So, I haven't updated for a few days because my life is intense. Once again, I selfishly feel like no one else's life could be this busy, but I am sure they are just as, if not more so, busy than I am. Excuses, excuses. I am subbing until the end of the year in one of the math classes at Altoona High. Its really great, but I forgot how much CRAP you have to do as a full time teacher. Being a straight up sub is awesome - no lesson plans, no papers to grade, etc. But teaching SUCKS sometimes. I have not been able to catch up at all! Hence, why I can't blog during my prep period anymore.

I kind of feel like I am a really bad teacher. I would actually give myself a d-. I"m not totally failing, but I fee like I am barely keeping my head above water and at any second I'm going under. Here are a few highlights of my last week:

a) I decided to give my honors kids half of a period to do whatever. Bad idea. They were crazy, all over the place, loud, etc., but I was totally not paying attention because I was trying to catch up on crap, and the principal walked in. Sweet. I got yelled at along with the kids and was told we need to have a conference later. I don't deal well with getting in trouble. I wanted to throw up and burst into tears right that minute. I tried to go talk to her, but she was out, so I emailed her, she emailed me back and said meet me in my office at 7:30 monday morning. Sweet again. I get to live with the fear of disappointing someone and losing my job all weekend. All is ok now, though.

b) I told one of my students (who was sucking on a sucker) to shut up and just suck because I would rather him suck on something than talk. Not a good choice of words. He proceded to continually ask what I wanted him to suck on. Then he said he didn't want to do the oral exercises we were about to do. That was awesome too.

c) The sucker kid came to club for the first time last night. Which was totally awesome! Its just SOOOOOOOO weird for me when the teacher/yougn life leader lines cross. It's like I'm Miss Orwig for a minute, them I'm Jana. Weird. So I was telling my story of becoming a Christian for the talk last night - which includes a lot of drugs, alcohol and boys, which is fine as Young Life Jana, but weird as Miss Orwig. So I'm interested to see how Sucker Boy reacts in class today. He also asked why class couldn't be more like Young Life because my math class sucks.

d) I taught the most BORING math lesson EVER today. I was bored teaching it, so the kids have got to be bored listening to me. I've never been bored when I was the one talking before, but it was SOOOOOOOO boring. I'm getting bored just thinking about it.

e) My lower level kids took a test yesterday on all that I have been teaching them since I have been in. I think 95% of them got a 50% or lower. That is great. I am not the best math teacher.

So, the question of the day is....do I want to spend $10,000 and bring more debt into a marriage by going back to school to do something that I am just not that good at?
Heres what's kind of fun. Last night I got to tell some of the kids I'm with everyday how much Jesus loves them and how he can change their lives for eternity. That's pretty sweet.

Friday, May 05, 2006


What's the point of taking risks?
To grow as a person? I think I can grow other ways
To learn to trust? I think I trust pretty easily
To have fun? I'm a pretty fun chick
I just don't really get it


MY LITTLE BRUDDER IS GRADUATING COLLEGE!!!! Man, I feel ollllllllllllllllld. I'm just so excited for him and so proud of him - he is one of my fave people of life. I'd post a lil pic of him and I up, but I'm on my school comp - so I'll have to get to that later!
So yes, for the third weekend in a row I get to make that AWESOME trek across I70 to I75. It's awesome. I love the SE corner of Ohio - can anyone say sleep much? So if you are bored from 7-1am tonight - give me a lil ring so that I can stay awake
Im being a whiner BUT all of this is WORTH IT TO SEE MY BROTHER and about 800 other people walk across the stage at UDayton! and I get to go to Bob E.'s (my former place of employment - I loved that job) with my hotpocket friend ANNABELLE MICHAEL MURPHY!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend :)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Ok all you spiritual peeps out there...
What do you do when someone you love gets bored with their faith? It's not exciting to them anymore - they are extremely blah about life in general....
Besides a lot of prayer, what the heck else can you do?
This is not really a rhetoric - I would LOOOOOOOOOVE answers

Monday, May 01, 2006

red lights

I'm trying to decide if red lights are bad. Sometimes I love them. I drive a stick shift car and I am ALWAYS running late, so they are usually really good because they allow me to put my makeup on in the morning, eat my breakfast, and talk on the phone, because I am not having to shift. But they are also really annoying because like I said, I am ALWAYS late...so the red lights don't help the problem. But some days they are literally the only thing that makes me stop and gives me time to think. I have the greatest friends in the world. They allow me to call them in between things I have to do. I hate that I do that...but sometimes its the only time I have to call them. It's always when I am driving. Because driving is my free time, red lights are like extra free time! So maybe they can be really good...

I kinda feel like my life is at a red light. I think I've figured out what I want to do. I want to teach high school kids. Not because I am passionate about math, not because I am passionate about school districts, but because I am extremely passionate about high school kids. I get to teach them for a month starting tomorrow. I am so excited. I just want to be that person that they can come to...I want to be that teacher that cares about their lives outside of quizzes and AP tests...I want to love them differently and cause them to wonder what's different. I just love them so much! But I think eventually I want to teach high school kids somewhere in Ohio. Maybe not next year...maybe not in 5 years...but someday I want to teach them in Ohio. Ohio is one of my fave places of life. I LOVE Altoona - but differently. I love Altoona for the people that I've gotten to love, but I love Ohio because I am more me there. I'm not really sure why I am, but I am. But I can't teach high school there yet. I have to go back to school. I have to go back to school for a long time. That also costs lots of money so I have to find a job that pays for that school. Now I know that that job will not be where my heart is, but its a pause to get me to where I want my heart to be. I have to do it in order to teach in OH. I'm just trying to figure out if this pause, or this red light is going to be good for me or not. I feel like it might be. I get to seek God. I get to seek him big time. I get to love people deeply. I get to be involved in lives that are way different than mine. I know that God knows what he is doing...I just need to remember that. It's SOOOOOOOOO much easier said than done. But he's really good. I don't want to run through this red light. I don't want to take advantage for what God's going to do at this pause. He's good. I know that. He's going to use the next few years of my life as an end in themselves - not just as a means to an end.
I hate that this post has about one million I's in it. I don't want this to be all about me...I want this to be about God doing cool stuff if we just stop and realize it. Seek his face. Let him love you.

I'm going to be a high schooler again...
Jonny Lang, Red Light
You sing a song
While sitting at a red light
You think of home
While sitting at a red light

Too slow to roll
Put your life on hold
An open path
With nowhere to go
You start to wonder
While sitting at a red light

You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life

A chance to breathe
While sitting at a red light
You look around
reflecting on your life

A chance to think
Am I drinkning too much
Should I keep going
Lose the life that I love
A second glance
When coming to a red light

You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life

When things look low
You've gotta keep stong
Feet to the grass
You've gotta walk it off
The bows been tied
Too tight to laugh
Feet to the ground
You've gotta walk it off

You can run a red light
You can run a red light

Start to think
Am I drinkning too much
Should I keep going
Lose the life that I love

You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life

You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life

You can run a red light
You can run a red light

You sing a song
While sitting at a red light

love and memories

I usually am not so high schooler about this (not that being in high school is bad :)), but I just am loving this song right now...
download it - O.A.R. - Love and Memories

Lovely, you're always lovely
A vision
You were the one
Now I am stuck inside a memory
You forgot about our destiny
You buried me
Didn't you?
Didn't you?

Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound

You're always floating
A vapor
That I couldn't see
Here I am stuck inside a yesterday
Everything has given way
You fell from me
Didn't you?
Didn't you?

Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories

Maybe I am a crowded mind
I watch your eyes glaze over
Stared down at the floor
You were amazing to me
I was amazing to you
But here we go again

Didn't you
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drowning deep inside your sound
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories