big ideas
Ok I am sick of job hunting. I'm done for now. I'm going to go drive around Cincy and Dayton and find the closest Starbucks and sit and wallow in my despair. It's not that bad, I just dont know what I am doing and I am too distracted by thoughts like this...
I think I have a problem with falling madly in love with the idea of something. For example. Yesterday Katy and I were hanging out at Sean and Annie's. The house across the street from them is for sale. I immediately became obsessed. I REALLY want to live in that area, they are right by the highway, and I would be across the street from some people who I love more than life. Forget the fact that I have no income and its listed at 189,900. Forget the fact that Katy, who I want to live with, has a job in Beavercreek which is 40 minutes away. I am just in love with this house. I thought about figuring out how I could buy it by myself - even though I have no income as of July 31, and I mean seriously? I just can't get the house out of my mind. I keep imagining flickering my flashlight at Griff and Cooper to say good night. I keep imagining runningacross the street when I am upset about something and crying to Annie in person, and not just over the phone. I keep imagining The Office nights where I can walk home instead of driving 30 minutes. Everything is great - its just not reality and its not ever going to be reality.
I am doing this as I am looking for jobs. I imagine what it might be like to get a job at a university and go there for free. I imagine what it'd be like to teach high school kids. None of this is reality right now and its not looking too promising!
I do the same thing with dating. Everything becomes perfect in my mind. I meet someone and I immediately imagine what it would be like to date them. I hang out with someone or have a phone conversation or see them at the grocery store, and my mind goes into complete ridiculousness. This happens to me all the time. I imagine how I complete the person perfectly and they complete me. Forget the fact that I dont really know him. Forget the fact that we haven't had a ton of real conversations. Forget the fact that I'm not sure of anything about them. In my imagination life is good. I am loved. He is loved. We get to have this great house (maybe across the street from Sean and Annie), I get to hold my own little baby girl, I get to love and serve him and he gets to love and serve me. Now I KNOW that NONE of this is real. It probably never will be real. I just really hope Im not one of those people that is destined for singledom! But its hard for me to stop imagining it. And it gets even harder when my heart gets involved in it.
I hate it when my mind spills into my heart. It just makes it that much harder to accept the non-realities in my life. So my prayer now is to focus on the realness of my life - I think I might be missing out on the great things because I am imagining how life could be "better."
I think I have a problem with falling madly in love with the idea of something. For example. Yesterday Katy and I were hanging out at Sean and Annie's. The house across the street from them is for sale. I immediately became obsessed. I REALLY want to live in that area, they are right by the highway, and I would be across the street from some people who I love more than life. Forget the fact that I have no income and its listed at 189,900. Forget the fact that Katy, who I want to live with, has a job in Beavercreek which is 40 minutes away. I am just in love with this house. I thought about figuring out how I could buy it by myself - even though I have no income as of July 31, and I mean seriously? I just can't get the house out of my mind. I keep imagining flickering my flashlight at Griff and Cooper to say good night. I keep imagining runningacross the street when I am upset about something and crying to Annie in person, and not just over the phone. I keep imagining The Office nights where I can walk home instead of driving 30 minutes. Everything is great - its just not reality and its not ever going to be reality.
I am doing this as I am looking for jobs. I imagine what it might be like to get a job at a university and go there for free. I imagine what it'd be like to teach high school kids. None of this is reality right now and its not looking too promising!
I do the same thing with dating. Everything becomes perfect in my mind. I meet someone and I immediately imagine what it would be like to date them. I hang out with someone or have a phone conversation or see them at the grocery store, and my mind goes into complete ridiculousness. This happens to me all the time. I imagine how I complete the person perfectly and they complete me. Forget the fact that I dont really know him. Forget the fact that we haven't had a ton of real conversations. Forget the fact that I'm not sure of anything about them. In my imagination life is good. I am loved. He is loved. We get to have this great house (maybe across the street from Sean and Annie), I get to hold my own little baby girl, I get to love and serve him and he gets to love and serve me. Now I KNOW that NONE of this is real. It probably never will be real. I just really hope Im not one of those people that is destined for singledom! But its hard for me to stop imagining it. And it gets even harder when my heart gets involved in it.
I hate it when my mind spills into my heart. It just makes it that much harder to accept the non-realities in my life. So my prayer now is to focus on the realness of my life - I think I might be missing out on the great things because I am imagining how life could be "better."
posted by jmjana @ 10:00 AM
9 Comments:
At 1:48 PM,
stef shaffer said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 1:48 PM,
stef shaffer said…
realize reality but hold on to hope still.
At 8:03 PM,
Steve Fuller said…
Didn't know seeing me Saturday night had such an impact on you. I'll try to be less charming next time. ;)
At 9:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
1) Chances are that those things about dating will be real at some point for you, even if they are not true now.
2) If, at this point in your life, you really don't want to be single , you probably won't be. You've been an adult and independant for a few years, now, and know yourself well enough to have some idea (shadowy as it may be) of how God built you, and whether He built you for a life of being single. If you're not into that idea by now, I'm guessing that you probably won't be single. There's always the possibility that God has that in your future, but chances are that it's not.
3) Derek Webb has a fantastic line about singleness (from when he was single and struggling with it) that I love to repeat:
"Maybe I missed the nose right on my face - or what's just past it.
Or maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of...
Funny how nobody wants it."
(the thing just past his face is an ex-girlfriend, which is clever, because a significant other is just past your nose when you're kissing them. The gift is chastity, which people speak of in glowing terms and then go and pray against it in their lives)
I like Derek Webb.
At 12:49 AM,
jmjana said…
stef,
sometimes I wish you weren't one of my best friends of life, so you could be my therapist - maybe I get the best of both worlds though
steve,
how did you know that post was about you?! shoot...you weren't supposed to figure that out! I feel a little exposed ;)
mike,
do you know dan zelinski? he used to lead with me at edgewood? he's amazing - the first night I met him he told me that if I had that strong of a desire to be married then he didn't think God created me to be single. He told me that he was confident I was someday going to be married...and I have clung to those words until the last few months. Im not really sure why - So I am SO thankful for your affirmation of that because if you say so then I know its truth ;)
At 8:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
i was on work crew with his older sister, julie.
ah, julie zelinski... i had quite the crush. *blush*
At 1:37 PM,
jmjana said…
she is AWESOME - almost as great as marisa nottingham :)
At 11:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
You said, I think I might be missing out on the great things because I am imagining how life could be "better."
Life woudl be better if you lived here with me.
:)
At 12:26 AM,
Steve Fuller said…
Nothing is better in Dayton. Nothing.
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