seriously?

1. Screech. really? Did you HAVE to go there? When I told Annie she gagged. Um just wondering how Zack and Slater feel about this.

2. BETTIS WAS ON THE OFFICE. You HAVE to love that. HAVE to. He is awesome and wonderful and has a great heart and was just on The Office. Both of my boyfriends on one screen. How great.

3. My interims were due today at 4:30. At 5:00 I hadn't started them yet.

4. I get to go to La Toona this weekend!!! I cant wait to see some fun friends!!!

what the world needs now...

I have two little guys in my class that I am IN LOVE with. Not in a weird way...but I would take them both home and love them like they were my own kids if i could. Im just going to call them Ridge and JT. (Katy...ridge is for you)
They are probably the worst two kids in my room (behavior wise), but they are my faves.
Ridge came in today and his grandma told me he was crying the whole way to school cause his mom said she would hang out with him this weekend, but didn't and his dad was only around for one meal. So Ridge was really upset cause he wanted to stay home and hang out with his dad, but he had to come to school.
JT writes about his dad all the time and all the stuff they do. I kind of feel like they dont do any of it and its wishful thinking, but Im going to pray for the best in that. JT told me he wished I was his mom and that he could stay at school all day cause he would like that better than going home.
Now if you have known me for more than a minute, you'll know that I was about to burst into tears at each of these encounters. It took everything in me to not just go pick them up and hug them.

There is this song I love right now thats by a Christian artist...I don't love christian music...Im not sure if I love any of it...maybe Webb, but anyways...
the song says...I want to hear you say - Who I am is quite enough - Just want to be worthy of love ...

So maybe I should pay attention to my little guys today and remind them that they are worthy of love and they are quite enough. And not just quite enough to make me lose my voice, but quite enough to be loved. I have such an opportunity to let them see that they are awesome and lovable and all that...and I focus a lot of time on how much they are driving me crazy and how much more coffee and advil Im going to need to make it through the day...

ps

It just escaped again and I couldn't leave my room because I was holding the cage lid down and wasn't anywhere near my door so I'm screaming and kicking my wall hoping that someone will hear me. That was awesome too. Now I have it roped off so that he can't get out even if he tried. I don't get paid enough for this!

awesome.

I have a ferret in my class today. It escaped when I took the kids to art. Good thing I almost freaked because I had to catch it by myself and I dont LOVE holding weird rodent looking animals - dogs any day...cats or weasels...no thanks!
Now it thinks it can escape so it is going crazy in its cage. Do you not love my job? Awesome.

heaven

My friend Kristen made a "heaven" video when we were in college. She took clips from different movies and put it to the song of Where the Streets Have No Name - which is definitely in my top ten...

Imagine these lyrics...
I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

The city's aflood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I'll show you a place
High on a desert plain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We're still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do
Our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, and I see love
See our love turn to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do


With these movie clips...

The scene in Shawshank where Andy escapes from jail and its raining and he tears off his jail uniform....
Remember the Titans when they all come together and they win the game...
The wedding scene in the Patriot when Heath Ledger kisses his bride...

The scene from Gladiator at the end where I think Russell Crowe dies and then walks through the meadow and his wife and kid are running towards him...
The final scene is from Shawshank again, where Red is driving on the bus going to meet Andy and he finally catches up with him and they sail away together...

Sorry I've been obsessed with it for awhile...I just get really excited...

im going a bit crazy right now

I just need to release some thoughts because my head is spinning. Im not really sure what my deal is...but here's what's been on my mind, in case you were wondering

a) A very wise man was talking about being and going and saying all the things that I needed to hear. Aaron was talking about brokeness and being real and it was just so encouraging and kind of heart wrenching at the same time. Tonight he said something like, "why are we so afraid of brokeness when the story of redemption focuses on the God of the universe being broken for us." It was much more elegant than that, but why are we so afraid of being broken? Why are we so afraid of being real? People will still like us - I bet people will actually still love us. It's like we are so afraid of getting found out that we just hide out. That is so sad and I am the number one hider. So Im not sure what to do about that...I just am putting that out there.

b) In case you haven't realized, I tend to get obsessed and really excited about people really easily. And you might say, "wow jana, that's weird." But I dont really feel like it is. I feel like I am really good at first impressions of meeting people and just knowing what they are like...what's at their cores. So, if I sense goodness, I get really excited and want to be BFF's right away. If you have felt my stalkerishness lately, knowing that it's because I sense greatness in you and I am so excited to be your friend and for you to be mine. Im not just weird and needy ;)

c) Partnering with that last thought - I feel like it bites me in the a sometimes. I've gone to a few things to meet fun people the past month and immediately I'll write people off because of their weird insecurities (or mine) or the fact that I feel like we wouldn't connect. That's not fair because Im probably missing out on some pretty great people because I want so bad to be an "ultra." But I want to get to a point, where when I see someone's issues I immediately shift to compassion, and not, "Im so much better than them." Not really sure about that either - just throwing that out there.

d) being single and living by yourself makes you the most selfish being on the planet. Im just going to throw that out there - sorry if you do that and you're not selfish. I very quickly need a dog or someone to kick my a and tell me to stop being so freaking selfish.

e) I want heaven. I want the real heaven but I want heaven on earth too. I want safety, and exposure and love and perfectness. I dont want to have to worry about what's to come or what's not to come...I want to stop having to convince myself that God's timing is good and just know that it is perfect...I want to love perfectly and completely...I want to be loved perfectly and completely...I want to be me and real and all the crap that comes with it.

Thanks for getting in my brain for a few minutes.

love is not against the law

Derek Webb came out with a new cd a little bit ago...it's awesome
You can actually download it for free if you want...
just go here - why would you not want to do this? Im not in love with Christian music, but Derek is one of the few that I am in love with

Here's a sample of what's been on repeat on my ipod for the last week...
Love is Not Against the Law

politics or love
can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all

and it’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes

it’s learning to admit
when you’ve had a hand in setting them up
in knocking them down

(chorus)
love is not against the law
love is not against the law

(vs. 2)
are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

could you find a way
to love them both the same
to give them your name



ps Annie...this is another reason why garage sale man's name was Derek - Im sure he was really deep too ;)

a few odds and ends

a) i find it surprisingly shocking how much "blogging action" happens between the hours of 6am and 2pm. Nothing else really gets posted after those times...no comments, no new posts, nothing. Actually, I renig on that. 6am to 2pm and then 12am-2am. so there is this big block of time from approx. 2pm to 12am that I get bored during the day when I am already caught up...that is when my kids are out at recess or something because I would never ever check blogs or my internet with kiddies in the room - that would be disaster...right...
It just cracks me up that the times we should be working we are "internetting" or the times we should be getting a good night's sleep for our highly energetic jobs we are more into posting something about how we should be sleeping

b) Im wondering if it will take longer than a second for a Bengals fan to say something about the SWEET win tonight

c) Mike Brown told me I wasn't allowed to be a steelers fan and a Bengals fan at the same time. I love the steelers, but I am ok cheering for the Bengals. I just like rooting for the hometown team. I think someone compared it to being a Christian and being ok with premarital sex...not sure who said that and seriously? I will be the first to claim that I dont know a ton about football - yes I am a girl, so I have limited knowledge - but I love watching games with people - I love the excitement that comes with it - and I am sorry if Im that annoying person that doesn't know what they are talking about and keeps saying stuff during the game. I hate that person and I become her sometimes

d) I love making new friends and I love that I have great friends from before. Its been SO fun to hang out with fun peeps these last few weeks. I've gotten to see some of my best friends of life - Jill, Katy, Alissa this weekend, and of course Annie. But I've gotten to meet and hang out with and laugh with all these new people. Meeting people is one of my favorite things to do.

e) Have a GREAT weekend!

my favorite people in the blogging world

just to preface - these are in no order at all. stef is first cause i get mad at her about me not being first and annie is awesome

1. Stefshaf. i love her because she is like a sister to me. She is the one that i think made me start blogging and she has good stuff to say. she stinks at updating though - it must be that whole live in seattle and have a new life thing. a new life that i am 3000 miles away from and depressed about

2. Annie Michael Murphy. My bffaeaeaeae. i love her and i love her email comments the best cause she tells me great wisdom and teaches me the ways of life

3. Peggy Murphy. she makes me laugh outloud and gives me good amunition to make fun of her about. she almost knifed a kid because he wouldn't come and kiss her. be scared boys

4. Sean Murphy. who don't you love in the murphy household and sean is THE MAN. especially cause he has the best mannerisms i have even seen and he lets me come over everyday

5. Mike Brown. gotta love Brownie - even if i think he's someone else :) Mike might be the wisest person i know and he makes me love the bible more and more when i hear what he's got to say. he also gets the award for longest and most thought out comments. he also is really gracious even if he disagrees with you

6. Wes Brooks. he is awesome and extremely wise too and he always makes fun of mike so it makes me laugh. i wish he would post more stuff on his own blog cause i LOVE hearing what he has to say

7. Steve fuller. you HAVE to love a guy who has like infinity hits on his blog everyday. steve might be the most "push the line" kind of guy that i know but i love his boldness in it. and he makes me love people in a much more drastic way than i have in a long time

8. Steve Bragg. LOVE steve bragg. he's great and might be the most loyal friend ive ever seen. not sure if you can find a guy who loves his friends more and would really mess you up if you crossed any of them. he's got the big heart award.

9. Dan kalback. i dont think i spelled your last name right, but i think you're pretty great. you give some GREAT music input and i will ALWAYS download someone you tell me to download. he is funny and he's depth. i love it.

10. You nonupdaters out there - you know who you are. We miss hearing from you. This includes you mike and wes. and marsha and kj and ben and katie muhl. get on it people. and melbo - get a blog we want to hear your thoughts - maybe we can help you write your book.

i just want everyone to stand up and cheer for these amazing friends of mine that i actually get to hang out with now or i think that i am hanging out with and then realize oh wait, that's not who i thought it was :)

being known

Its interesting to think about how much people don't know about you. Moving causes me to realize how much people dont know about me. I think the people that might know the most about me are my parents because they've been around the longest, but then also my college roomates know probably too much :) But lots of my friends that I've either just met and some who I have known forever don't know ALL the stories.

Some of you might not know that I used to lick the icing off of my brothers birthday cake when we were little...that I thought my parents were getting a divorce when my dad said he was promoted...that I broke my arm my senior year in high school sliding into homeplate...that I used to have nightmares that I was attacked all the time...that I get really scared a night time and its not fun to live by yourself...that I love mint chocolate chip ice cream...I also love homemade chex mix...that I love fresh flowers...that I thought I was going to marry the people I dated in high school...you dont know any of the stories that come with the guys I dated in high school...that I hate throwing up...that I get sick at the sight of blood and almost passed out an online training course dealing with blood born pathogens...that I really want to have babies and a family...that I am really scared about being a bad teacher...that I am really scared about being alone my whole life...that I was jealous of my best friend Alissa because of how much everyone loved her...that there was a point in our lives that Stef and I couldn't stand each other...that I yelled F YOU at her because I was so mad but just said the letter not the word - not as good as an effect...that I used to get really close to people and then stop being their friend once I was their best friend...that I dont deal with death really well and Ive lost too many young people that I have loved...that I love pictures because I love to relive the memories and wish they could happen again...that in fourth grade I lied about being a Christian so that I didn't have to pray the prayer with my camp counselor...that my third grade sunday school teacher really showed me more about Jesus than I realized...that my seventh grade sunday school teachers loved me and I always babysat their kids, then one day I went over there smelling like smoke and I never babysat for them again...that in 11th grade Liz and I got suspended from the volleyball team because someone saw us smoking...that same week I totaled my car and I got caught cheating...that in 10th grade my best friend's boyfriend cheated on her with me and I told her about it on her birthday...that I thought I would marry Kirk Cameron or Zak Morris at some point in my life..that Stef and I used to record ourselves singing the theme song of Growing Pains...that I had a crush on Zak Basch in 2nd grade and know he's a drug dealer...that the people I am the most comfortable with are older than me and I have a thing against dating younger guys...that I really want to be known by someone fully and I want them to still love me more than possible.

If you put together each time period of my life and all the people of my life, then you'll know everything about me. But you know how you just want that ONE person that knows it all? And that's what is so fun about the initial stages of dating because you get to tell all those stories and when you go on long car trips you get to crack up at how they used to cry over baseball games and laugh about garbage pail kids and when you go out to dinner you get to hear about how their family celebrates Christmas and all the traditions that you'll want to carry on for them. Is that too much to ask for? God, I love that you know it all - its so comforting and I feel so loved...its just so fun to share it with someone else too.

guys you need to redeem yourself

I am shocked as to what happened to me last night. I am SO used to super nice guys, even ones I dont know, just being the greatest gentlemen ever. I think I forgot that there were really jerky guys out there. Last night I went to see the fireworks down in Cincy/Newport (which were aweSOOOOOME) with my friend Kelly. Kelly is super cute so of course all these guys were hitting on us all night, well mainly her, but a girl can dream, right? So we didn't want to drive back right after the fireworks because there were a trillion people down there, so we went and got some food at Bar Louie's. We were sitting down near the pool table, where of course these hot shot guys decided to show off and kept putting their a's in our faces pretending to "make the shot." Then they sit down and were just nasty and mean. One of them got the hint that we weren't interested, so then he just got ticked and said we were b's and that even though we didn't like him we could put our food on his tab because he makes more money than Ben Roethlisberger. Really? But he doesn't work. So then our waiter who I was desperately trying to show signs to save us, brought our food and the guys started eating it. One guy seriously ate all the bruschetta, then when he was done his brother poured the bruschetta stuff all over our nachos. Really? again. At this point Im kind of like what the heck is going on, but Im too nice and keep saying, oh sure, eat some, no problem. Then seriously when our food is gone they just got up and left. Kelly and I were sitting there like, what the crap just happened and my view of guys our age shifted entirely. I just really am not friends with anyone that I know that would do that. I haven't been around jerky guys ever I dont think, so now I am starting to lose hope in the male species. Are men really like that? and where are the good ones? Kelly and I decided last night that the good ones aren't as aggressive because maybe they are too scared of the rejection? But always the jerk ones make sick comments all night and expect something because they are used to the rejection? Good guys, risk it. Girls need guys like you to redeem their thoughts of men. and we want the protectors.

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)