ahhh life
Ok so here is my struggle. How do my desires and God's will/plan for my life work together? I think that they can work together because God created me with certain desires to be and do certain things but right now I don't feel like I am doing what I always desire, but I don't feel out of God's will for my life. When I finally made the decision to move to Altoona, I didn't really have any doubts. It was one of the scariest decisions that I have ever made and one of the biggest leaps I have ever made, but it's been great - and I felt great doing it. I know I will not look back on my life and claim this as my most favorite happiest time, but I have learned SO much about myself and God since I have lived here. I feel like I am starting to figure out who I am and what I want and I don't think I could have fully gotten to this place unless I was in La Toona (that's Altoona for you commoners - I like to spice it up a bit :)) I have made GREAT friends, I have a great boss and a great job, it's just been a hard 3 years.
But now I feel like I am at a turning point. That's my struggle actually, to see if I am at a turning point. I've made this commitment to myself that I'm going to be here for atleast one more year because I really want to see these girls that I met when they were freshman graduate. I love them so much and I really want to see them finish high school. I have been pursuing a full time teaching job for the past six months and there is a possibility that I could get a job. That is out of my hands though. I just kinda had a freak out on my way home from Cincy on Sunday because I have been planning on staying here for another year, but what if I'm not supposed to? My desires point me to move - I want to be in a place where I don't feel like an alien with the way that I think, I want to get married, I want to be a soccer mom, I want to have more than one mall to shop at, I want to experience new things, I want to live in Ohio, I want a roomate, I want a lot...
So, what am I doing? Is God calling me out because my desires have shifted so much lately? Or is God calling me to push through and finish my commitment that I feel like I made to myself and to him? I kinda feel like I'm not supposed to know yet. One of my bestest friends Jill said that it's not supposed to be that confusing. I think when it's right, I'll know. Kinda like when you meet the person of your dreams, you just know. (I'll let you know when and if that happens :))
I guess the conclusion I'm coming to is that I am going to take it day by day. I'm going to love God and serve him in the best way that I know in La Toona, and wait for the answers to so many whatifs in my life. I just hate waiting. I'm so sick of it. I'm TOTALLY an instant gratification girl - hence my never ending credit cards :) So I'd LOVE it if God sped things along, but maybe that's not the point...
But now I feel like I am at a turning point. That's my struggle actually, to see if I am at a turning point. I've made this commitment to myself that I'm going to be here for atleast one more year because I really want to see these girls that I met when they were freshman graduate. I love them so much and I really want to see them finish high school. I have been pursuing a full time teaching job for the past six months and there is a possibility that I could get a job. That is out of my hands though. I just kinda had a freak out on my way home from Cincy on Sunday because I have been planning on staying here for another year, but what if I'm not supposed to? My desires point me to move - I want to be in a place where I don't feel like an alien with the way that I think, I want to get married, I want to be a soccer mom, I want to have more than one mall to shop at, I want to experience new things, I want to live in Ohio, I want a roomate, I want a lot...
So, what am I doing? Is God calling me out because my desires have shifted so much lately? Or is God calling me to push through and finish my commitment that I feel like I made to myself and to him? I kinda feel like I'm not supposed to know yet. One of my bestest friends Jill said that it's not supposed to be that confusing. I think when it's right, I'll know. Kinda like when you meet the person of your dreams, you just know. (I'll let you know when and if that happens :))
I guess the conclusion I'm coming to is that I am going to take it day by day. I'm going to love God and serve him in the best way that I know in La Toona, and wait for the answers to so many whatifs in my life. I just hate waiting. I'm so sick of it. I'm TOTALLY an instant gratification girl - hence my never ending credit cards :) So I'd LOVE it if God sped things along, but maybe that's not the point...
posted by jmjana @ 8:20 AM
8 Comments:
At 11:17 AM,
ylmurph said…
a wise man once said, "God doesn't push start anybody"
His point is that maybe we shouldn't wait around for God to blast a billboard. We should just go...with wisdom. I just wonder how much Jana led that would be (as opposed to Spirit led...or Jesus led if the other term freaks you out)
Something to possibly consider is how well you hear God's voice. I have some friends that have been pushing hard to hear God (fasting, praying for significant chunks of time...not that there's a formula) and they're experiencing God in a way that I don't.
Anyhow, I just wonder if God wants us waiting around until He makes it clear what our calling is to be for that day/month/year - or if He wants us to push out and see if He's blessing it???
I guess that starting out by pursuing His voice is probably the way to go. If you were in Altoona for 50 years doing that...that's not a bad way to spend your life.
what do I know?
At 11:44 AM,
jmjana said…
good word sean. thanks for the input. is it bad that i almost cried thinking about being in altoona for 50 years?! you're right - that isn't a bad way to spend life at all...but it's just that, ok. i want great. i just read something that good is really the opposite of great, because you settle and get comfy. but maybe the place doesn't really matter but my attitude and the way that i live is what matters...
i guess life could be great anywhere as long as i am pursuing His voice...
At 12:29 PM,
stef shaffer said…
amen sean- i dont think God is clear at all.. otherwise, we would never have to have faith- we would just be robots... and thats no fun... i think seattle is calling your name (not really thats just a shameless plug) is your commitment feel like it comes out of passion or duty? a very wise man i know taught me that God usually feels like a pull and duty feels like a push... what do you think?
At 12:31 PM,
Steve Fuller said…
Ok, I know everyone hated the 2nd and 3rd Matrix movies, but I actually liked them.
At the conclusion of the third movie, the Oracle is speaking with her guardian, Seraph. After everything has happened, he asks her, “Did you always know?”
She replied, “Oh no…no I didn’t. But I believed. I believed.”
I’m not sure we ever know – sometimes maybe, but I doubt we are 100% certain about many big life decisions. I think we try to convince ourselves we “know,” but that’s just so we sleep better at night.
I think the question might be, “Do you believe?” Do you believe God will bless you in Altoona? Do you believe he will bless you in Ohio? Do you believe he will provide the man you deserve no matter what your address is? Do you believe in the desires of your heart enough to follow their lead?
Sometimes even when it’s this confusing, the answer is still very simple (yet at times, almost impossible) – trust.
At 2:32 PM,
jmjana said…
I think God has placed a few things in my life lately that are really hard for me and that either break me or atleast start to break me. Through different books I've read, through different things people have said, through different experiences I have had a lot of "Oh, crap moments" where I need to sit, listen and get real with God. I think this is one of those times. My usual reaction is to dwell on it for a day and then bury it so that I don't have to deal with the hard stuff. My prayer lately has been that I get to a place where I am forced to be real with God and where I am not allowed to bury things. So maybe this is part of an answer to prayer-
Good questions guys - I think my issue is that I don't believe God. To be totaly honest I dont think that I do. Hence why I am a control freak in ministry - I dont believe God can do it; why I get really anxious about my future - I don't believe that God knows what's best. I would LOVE to say that I do - and I often will - but my actions are speaking louder than my words. Maybe I should stop trying to figure out stef's issues and figure out my own.
At 3:21 PM,
Marsha said…
Spending time really connecting with God on this is obviously the best course, but, when I was seriously going through some similar questions/struggles about 6 months back, I was having a hard time settling my thoughts and fears down enough to do that. My very wise pastor and friend gave me the book Ruthless Trust, and I have to say that it helped me to settle down enough to really press into God and build trust. Obviously, God works differently for each of us, but that may be a book you might find helpful if reading/studying is something that draws you to Him.
At 9:18 PM,
Steve Fuller said…
I second the recommendation to read "Ruthless Trust." Brennan Manning is VERY wise the book is great.
At 11:48 PM,
jmjana said…
a) i am in love with brennan manning
b) i LOVE that book as well
c) i think i might need to read it again! thanks for the suggests
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