you choose
I love the movie The Wedding Date. The characters are very poorly developed, there isn't that intriguing of a plot, it's fairly predictable, but I love it. I think I love it because of some of the quotes in it. One of the quotes that sort of gets to me and that I've been thinking about a lot this weekend is when Debra Messing reads a quote that her male escort reported in a magazine:
"You choose what you want your love life to be."
And Debra Messing responds with, you think I WANT to be like this - bitter and angry and depressed??? And the male escort says "Yes."
I really have been analyzing that. Do we choose the way we want our love lives to be? Is it really not fate or destiny or something controlled by the stars? Is it a conscious choice that we make? Or is it some invisible defense mechanism that sometimes we don't even realize or see or even know.
When Stef and I were freshman in college we used to go to all these group meetings and activities and every cool, attractive, Christian guy we would see, we would refer to as our husbands. It was a bit immature looking back on it, but those were definite words that came out of our mouths and thoughts that occured in our heads.
This weekend I met my friend Amulya's boyfriend who was VERY cool. He asked me why I wasn't dating anyone and why I was still single. I was a bit thrown off by the question. (Let me just note that this guy asked WAY more questions than I have ever asked and that wasn't that weird of a question in context.) I didn't really have an answer for him and I've been sort of thinking about it ever since.
I had some pretty intense relationships in the past that I used to think were holding me back now. But they were in the loooong past. I used to think I was single so I could learn independence and so when I met a guy I wouldn't be dependent on him in an unhealthy way. I'm going on a few years of independence! I also used to think that I had to "fix" myself so that I would be someone that someone else could desire. Then I went on to thinking that I had to be doing "something" in order to get noticed. Or I was always just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the right place at the wrong time. Or something like that.
I have now come to the conclusion that I don't have any of the answers. None of the things that I just mentioned seem to make sense and I'm not convinced that any of them are actual truth. I'm wondering if I'm choosing this in some unconscious/defense mechanism/scared to risk kind of way. Or if I just haven't met him yet. Or if I'm not going to meet him ever.
Can someone find a crystal ball or something? My brain is starting to hurt.
"You choose what you want your love life to be."
And Debra Messing responds with, you think I WANT to be like this - bitter and angry and depressed??? And the male escort says "Yes."
I really have been analyzing that. Do we choose the way we want our love lives to be? Is it really not fate or destiny or something controlled by the stars? Is it a conscious choice that we make? Or is it some invisible defense mechanism that sometimes we don't even realize or see or even know.
When Stef and I were freshman in college we used to go to all these group meetings and activities and every cool, attractive, Christian guy we would see, we would refer to as our husbands. It was a bit immature looking back on it, but those were definite words that came out of our mouths and thoughts that occured in our heads.
This weekend I met my friend Amulya's boyfriend who was VERY cool. He asked me why I wasn't dating anyone and why I was still single. I was a bit thrown off by the question. (Let me just note that this guy asked WAY more questions than I have ever asked and that wasn't that weird of a question in context.) I didn't really have an answer for him and I've been sort of thinking about it ever since.
I had some pretty intense relationships in the past that I used to think were holding me back now. But they were in the loooong past. I used to think I was single so I could learn independence and so when I met a guy I wouldn't be dependent on him in an unhealthy way. I'm going on a few years of independence! I also used to think that I had to "fix" myself so that I would be someone that someone else could desire. Then I went on to thinking that I had to be doing "something" in order to get noticed. Or I was always just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the right place at the wrong time. Or something like that.
I have now come to the conclusion that I don't have any of the answers. None of the things that I just mentioned seem to make sense and I'm not convinced that any of them are actual truth. I'm wondering if I'm choosing this in some unconscious/defense mechanism/scared to risk kind of way. Or if I just haven't met him yet. Or if I'm not going to meet him ever.
Can someone find a crystal ball or something? My brain is starting to hurt.
posted by jmjana @ 12:00 AM
7 Comments:
At 10:36 PM,
Annie Michael Murphy said…
Jake or Andrew?
At 11:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ok, just one question.... you say "I used to think I was single so I could learn independence and so when I met a guy I wouldn't be dependent on him in an unhealthy way. I'm going on a few years of independence!"
Don't you think, regardless of dating someone or not, if we want to be dependent, we will be? We can fill our lives to feel needed, etc. with other people, obligations, meetings, etc and then replace those things with the opposite sex when the right time comes.
What I'm saying is that you are not single to learn independence. Jana, you are a catch... one who will eventually be caught :) (like that cheesiness?)
At 6:36 AM,
Unknown said…
um...if you find any of these answers, could i be the first person you call?
going on more than a few years of independence,
mel
(salute)
At 8:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
If YOU are not scooped up, then it will be the loss of every single male this side of the North Pole.
At 10:22 PM,
sheplaysamartin said…
"You choose what you want your love life to be."
-male escort quoting a magazine
seriously? we're taking a male escort's magazine quote's word for it? really?
i think there are some things we can choose, like developing one's character and living out one's passions. there are other things that are outside our choices. (just for example, 'i can't make you love me...' as bonnie raitt sings. that's taking a blues singer's word for it. :) speaking from experience, i think overanalyzing what one can do to change one's relational status leads to nothing but frustration. grow, but grow for the sake of growing.
that's my 2 cents. :)
(oh and smack anyone who asks you why you're single. that's rude. says the perennially single chick who's a wee bit sensitive about that. :)
At 4:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Prepare yourself.. June 11, the coolest girls ever are taking over O-H-I-O!!! (: LOVE AND MISS YOU!
At 11:45 PM,
Amulya said…
one day you'll find the guy who is just as cool and crazy as you. oh and he'll be a great driver :D
I was going on many "years of independence" too... I was even skeptical when seth came around, but look what happened. so it will happen for you...just gotta be a little more patient. that's easy for me to say, right? yes, but i honestly believe you will be found by the best man one day.
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