shout out to annabelle

This post has nothing to do with Annie. I just love her and miss her and wanted her to feel cool cause her name is in the title.

So sorry about my fast from blogging. I feel like my life is kind of spinning out of control right now and this past week I have been so consumed with making things come together that I haven't had time to think about it. The fact that my computer is broken is another reason - I usually post stuff in the morn or night when I am relaxing in my bed - which I promise is the most comfy bed in PA.
I guess I just lied. I have been thinking about what to post, I just haven't done it yet. I feel kinda crappy lately. I have recently come to the realization that I am the most selfish person on the planet. I want to tell you a few things about my life lately
-I am currently subbing for this guy - it's a weird situation, I have to call everyday to see if I have to come back the next day. I get to teach advanced geo, prob and stat and reg. geometry. Which I SUCK at prob and stat so I have been needing to reteach it to myself so that I don't have kids say to me "um, I think that's wrong." Yes. That has happened like 3 times. But I have to get up at 6, go to school 7-3, and then...
-I get to coach softball. Which I LOVE - but I sometimes forget why I am actually coaching it. I do love the game, but my whole point in coaching is so that it can be part of my ministry. The whold point is so that I can love these girls! I want them to know about Jesus. Who cares if they lead off the base wrong? Who cares that they strike out looking? Is me getting ticked at them showing anything about Jesus? Nope. I dont think...
So after school I get to go to practice or a game then...
-I get to go to something Young Life. Every night for the past 2 weeks we have had something formal for YL like club or campaigners, or I have made plans to hang out with kids to try and make up for the time that I spend at school, so that I dont feel guilty for getting paid to be in this ministry still.
-On top of that I am taking an online grad class, my computer is broken, I am trying to get organized to go out of town/have something big every weekend until June 25th and I'm trying to have some sort of a social life. To say the least I feel very...stretched is the word I think.

BUT in the midst of all this....Does it really matter? Why are my problems all so much bigger than everyone elses? I feel like every time chaos happens, no one else has any other problems to deal with. I am the center. Be empathetic towards me. Understand what I feel like and help me out. I HATE THAT I AM LIKE THAT! I hate being the all about me person. I hate looking at people and pointing out what is bad about them and how I am awesome compared to them. I hate that one of my best friends' whole family was sick and I was more concerned about my schedule for that day. I hate that I have to tell my other friend a time that I will call them to talk about what they are really upset about in that moment because I am more concerned about what is going on with me. I hate that there are starving people in africa, that some people don't have 2 parents that love each other, that some people don't have homes and friends, but that I am SO much more concerned about what the crap I'm going to do with my life and what the HECK is going on in it now. My dear friend Sar puts it best when she said "everyone's gotta bitch every once in a while" and yes we do, BUT I want to allow others to do it first. I want to be more prayful about other people's problems than my own. I want to seek to love others before I can see what I gain from them. I want to hear what they have to say first - not call them up and say, "hey listen to what happened to me - ok bye. " Why are my issues always so much bigger?

I feel like this is a whole bunch of repeat, but I have just been really convicted of my "it's all about jana" attitude. And the thing that sucks is that this post has been all about jana - I really don't think I can get beat this - which maybe is the point. I can't do it on my own.